My Following

This entry is inspired by Mariah's Carey's lyrics to Vanishing.


Verse 1
If I could recapture, all of the promises
and blog more often, surely I would
Hear the crickets chirping
From my lack of entries
To keep interest here
Fading blogger counts result.

Refrain
(Swiftly) my following, drifting away
My following, ohhh noooooo

Verse 2
I was so enraptured, caught up in selfish shit
I let this blog slip, I messed up ya'll
Now I hear the silence
And it is deafening
So here I am now
Trying to make blogger counts rise

Repeat Refrain 2x

Interlude
Reaching out to all who'll listen
Hoping they will forgive me for my past
Just a trace of someone's response
Tonight....YEAAHHH YES!

Verse 3
And if somehow I could recapture
All of my blogger friends
And bring them back here
Surely you know I would
But my hopes are fading faster
Hoping that the day will come
When my inspiration swings back
And blogger counts rise up fast

Repeat Refrain 2X

Outro:
My following, following, following,
following, follow-woah-ing
Oh no, woah-woah, come back!!!!!!

Action Star

: "I was lounging on my couch watching Missing: Season 2 on DVD. Vivica was doing her usual 'round the way sista gurl' act and that had me stitches. I love my girl Vivica. If I ever needed protection in the streets, I knew who to call. As Vivica's Missing partner psychic girl was having another one of her visions, I couldn't help but think there's no way I'd want that bitch to be driving me anywhere. She's liable to have one of her visions and crash the car.

I looked at the clock and it was nearly 11PM. My plan was to hit this new gay spot that opened on the westside. Since I might be up for a while, I decided to take a 20-minute power nap.

Fast forward to an hour later and I'm chilling at the spot with a Cranberry Vodka. What other drink can get you drunk and potentially help your urinary tract at the same time? I was about to order another one when the cute bartender placed a glass of Alizé in my hands.

'Thanks sexy daddy,' I said.

'It wasn't from me babe. It's compliments of the, umm, person over there,' he said as he pointed in the direction of the mystery person.

I should have known the barely out of college frat guy type wouldn't give me free drinks let alone one as ghetto as an Alizé. I turned my head and was shocked to see that Star Jones was my drink giver. She raised her glass of Alizé and took her sip. I reluctantly picked up the drink and did the same.

I watched in horror as she approached me."


Star: "So how you doing? I was just here checking the spot out and you caught my eye."




E: 'You know we've met before, right?'

Star: 'Really? I don't remember any of that.'

E: ("I was stunned that my legendary encounters and multiple interviews with the former talk show host were quickly forgotten. Or was she just saving face? Granted my last meeting with her was almost two years ago. But whatever. Either way...I played along.") 'Oh never mind that. It's wild you picking me up when I just saw your girl in action hours ago.'

Star: 'Who's that?'


E: 'You know who she is. Ms. Vivica A. Fox. Wasn't she one of your 12 bridesmaids at your wedding?'

"I noticed Star's face began to contort. She looked livid and quickly downed her remaining Alizé. She then snatched mine and downed that as well. I didn't care much for Alizé Hemingway."

Star: 'I do not speak Vivica's name anymore.'

E: 'What did she do?'

Star: 'Her man stole my man.'

"All of a sudden my fascination for Vivica made sense. Vivica played the sassy no nonsense type of gal that gay guys like me flocked to. It must be a double edge sword for women like Vivica and Star. Strong enough to take no flack from anyone but a shortage of eligible straight men that wanted to deal with the drama. So wanting to fulfill their fantasies, these women turned to the only men who'd give them the attention they craved....gay men."

E: 'You knew Al was gay when you married him, didn't you?'


Star (sighing deeply): 'Yeah I knew. And he was a good little servant for me. He drew my bath water for me. He ordered massages. He ordered food. He even found guys that were willing to eat my cooch-'


E: 'You do know I threw up a bit in my mouth, right?'

Star: 'So I had to let him go. He coveted another sista's man and in Section 3 point 1 point 2 point 7, amendment 4a of my prenup, it states that if he coveted another sista's man that it was grounds for me filing a divorce and him not getting a single penny.

Oh he tried so hard to stick around. I was his meal ticket and he really didn't want to fuck that up. Even after I fucked up things on the View and my own TV show after that got canned, I was still worth more than Al. He knew that. But he bored me silly after a while. You know he wasn't much of a challenge for me. But thankfully I knew it was a matter of time before he would break something in my tight ass prenup. And he did. So here I am.'

E: 'So why'd you marry him?'

Star: 'I was tired of all the leeches coming up to me and I thought having one exclusive leech would quench my thirst.'

E: 'So that book you wrote was all a lie?'

Star: 'Star Jones don't lie honey. I was being honest and truthful in that book. That book will help you find a man.'

"Since Star wasn't going to buy me a drink with her cheap ass, I ordered up another cranberry vodka."

E: 'But obviously it won't help me keep one.'

"Star did her best to act seductive. But it was scaring the shit out of me."

Star: 'Why you want a no good man, when you can have all of this.'

E (stifling laughter): 'As tempting as that offer is, I must respectfully decline.'

"The thought of hooking up with Star Jones made me sick to my stomach. I may like no nonsense women but they have to at least be attractive. Even Skeletor beat her in the looks department and that's cause despite a bony face, he had some serious muscle tone. I was so disgusted that I quickly downed my cranberry vodka."

Star: 'Your loss honey.'

And with that she quickly moved on to another prospect in the club. As she ran off, I felt a brush on my shoulder. I turned my head and was stunned by the hotness of this dude that was now speaking to me. Shockingly it was frat boy bartender.




FBB: 'So you know Star Jones?'






E: 'I can not tell a lie. Yeah I do.'

FBB: 'Cool. Let's go up to my private office and you can tell me all about it.'

"I figured since everyone would see us going in the office that it would be safe. So I followed him inside. Star Jones was the furthest thing on my mind as we began making out on the spot.

Wow. Who knew that Star would help me find my own action? Thanks Star."

Freak of Nature

I promise I'll blog soon. Just feeling a bit lazy. In the meantime this pic caught my eye in a scary way. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Discuss among yourselves...:-)

Hit Me Baby 50000 Times!

It only took 3 years and 11 1/2 months from when I first started blogging but I've finally received the 50000 hit at 9:35 AM today (03/12). If only hit milestones were translated into dollars, I would be 50000 richer. Luckily for me my timing for working from home worked out perfectly for me to watch the hit counter tick. And tick. And tick.

Hemingway I thought it'd be fun like when I "hit me baby 10000 times"to see how my webpage was hit. Sometimes folks come over to your site on the strangest keywords. So I decided to track the hits from 49995 through 50005. Without further adieu:


Search words: "keep on moving my love over the borderline"

Clearly someone had Madonna on the brain and were led to my most recent post. Speaking of Borderline, I definitely love Jody Watley's version of the song. It feels more heartfelt and poignant than Madonna's original bubblegum version of it. And that's not taking away from Madonna's version because I like hers too. I just like Jody's better.


Search words: Direct Hit From Cash S. website.
Based on the comment immediately afterwards, it looks like Darius clicked on the link to my website Cash has on his site. Very cool peeps.



Search words: Direct Hit From Gibby's website.
Immediately after the hit there was a comment from Gibby himself. Thanks again for reading my blog and offering from time to time your pearls of wisdom. I also enjoy reading your posts and marveling over the outrageous conversations you've had with various 'cousins'....*LOL*.




Search words: "chaka khan tit pics"

Wow. Someone was trying to find Chaka Khan nudie pics and unfortunately only found this entry on a crazed Chaka fan I met visiting Seattle. Do nudies of Chaka exist out there? Maybe back in the day she posed for a ragmag. I don't really care to find out. This proved to be the craziest search based on the range of hits I was analyzing.



Search words: Direct hit on my website.
Boring....*LOL*. Next.

Drum roll please! So how was the 50000 hit directed to my site. We'll find out momentarily...but on to the 50001th hit. Of course you could scroll all the way to the bottom and find out. But Hemingway...



Search words: Direct hit on my website.
My quest for more outrageous searches like Chaka Khan's tit pics continues. Well at least till 50005. Waiting for hits is like waiting for paint dry. *LOL* Next.


Search words: "randy ritchwood on half"
Finally...finally....a decent search. My god...I remember that sexpot from the 1st edition of I Love New York. I referenced his wood in the post that person linked to. Plus he definitely has nudies. Yum.



Search words: Direct hit from Ms. Holiday's old blogzine site.
Aww. I still totally miss Ms. Holiday. She done stop visiting my site. If she were in Chicago, she'd so be one of my hags...*LOL*. Interesting to know that people still visit her site years after she closed shop. Makes me think if folks will be visiting my old site 100 years from now (after I'm long dead and buried obviously...*LOL*).


Search words: "randy ritchwood"
Somebody really wants to find randy ritchwood. Yeah I know. I'd love to run into him in a dark alley. *LOL*. I was busy working when the 50004th hit came up. So that's why that last pin is messed up.



Search words: "where can I watch episodes of "half"
I'm not sure what Half show they were searching for. There's my fave Half & Half. But this person also could've been looking for Two & A Half Men. Or Half-baked. Or Half & Half milk. The possibilities are endless.

And now....the moment of truth. For real this time. What wound up being my 50000th hit?



Search words: Direct hit on my website.

Damn. Damn. Damn. I was hoping it'd be some weird ass search like 'Lamman eating oreos on an opera singer" or "Taylor stripping for love in New York". But alas it was merely a direct hit to my site. Oh well. And there wasn't even a comment so I've no clue who the 50000 person could be.

Maybe when the 100,000th hit occurs sometime in February 2010 (based on current hit rate), it'll be a bizarre search. Until then thanks everyone for humoring me. Back to work now. Oh wait...it's after 12 PM. Lunch break.

Why I Love Tyler Perry

It's not because I'm gay. *LOL* What is it about Tyler Perry and gay folks? Quite a few of the guys I've dated over the years has made reference to his plays. It seems you're not truly gay unless you own a set of his DVD's.

It's not because of the horrible House of Payne. Is that painful show still being burned off by TBS? I've sworn off the network in fear of being subjected to the pain. Speaking of Payne. Allen Payne? Allen of Jason's Lyric (damn fine...*LOL*) fame. I know you share the same last name as the series. But why'd you do it? You're fine but not fine enough to make me watch that dreck.



Ok. See the movie poster above. That's the reason I'm loving Tyler Perry. Why Did I Get Married? is on point. I actually just came back from watching the movie. All by my lonesome. Literally. I was the only person in this particular theatre in a predominantely white burb on a Halloween Wednesday night. You know, trying to avoid the trick or treaters.

What can I say about it? It was so good. It was as I said before, on point. I have to say my favorite actress in the movie was Tasha Smith. Girlfriend's character is as ghetto as she wanna be. They definitely gave her the best lines. This movie made me hate Richard Jones's character as well.

Without giving away too much (in case anyone reading hasn't seen it), the premise of the movie involves looking into the lives of four couples as they go through the ups and downs of marriage. They all meet together annually for a couples retreat (almost reminds me of Norris's getaways with his peeps) and that's where the movie begins. Each couple has to face various issues that couples usually have to face. They do so with humor, friendship, and lots of prayer.

The great thing about this movie is also how it shows black men being sensitive to their partners without being emasculated. Ooooh. Imagine my joy upon seeing Lamman Rucker's name on the credits. If you remember, I first got my taste of Lamman when he played Mona's boyfriend on Half & Half. I was feeling my insides getting all warm and tingly when he first appeared on the show, as you may recall. The man even has chemistry with a table. So it was really cool seeing him in the movie. I knew the lady that got paired up with him wouldn't stand a chance resisting his charms.

If I were Oprah, I would say "Go see Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married?" Okay. I'll do one better.

I'll let Oprah tell you herself.





O: "Yes everyone. It is I. I command you all to go see Why Did I Get Married? It is beautiful and moving and I said so. Okaaaaay? Okay!"


There. She said it. My work here's done.

Fallen Star

"I was walking along Wall Street minding my own business. I was in a bit of a funk and thought the walk would do me some good.

The sky was quite menacing, threatening to send teardrops at any minute. I decided to duck into a local Mickey D's. Imagine my surprise when I saw Star Jones sitting in a corner of the restaurant. She looked a bit subdued. I noticed her boytoy jerk Jabari was nowhere to be seen. What a disappointment he turned out to be. He seemed to be looking for a sugardaddy. I didn't have no time for that. Hell, I need my own sugardaddy.

I guess I should've known, considering he worked for Star and well Star has a habit of latching on to needy man. (*COUGH* BIG GAY AL *COUGH*)

I was going to place my order when I heard Star call out to me."


"Yoo hoo. E. Come here a minute."






"Considering our past exchanges, I have to say I was a bit leery to be called out by her. But I was in a public place. I figured she wouldn't attack me in McDonald's of all places. So I walked over to her.

'What's up, Star?' I asked."


"I'm on top of the world E. As you saw in the show, I one-upped that biatch, not bitch, that's me a Babe In Total Control of Herself. The biatch is that Bawa Wawa. She is a Bitter Ingrateful Arrogant Toad with Crappy Hemmorhoids."


" 'Well....you should know about her hemmorhoids, seeing that you've kissed her ass for so long.' "



Star: "Fuck you."


E: "Damn...must we go there again. Hemingway I see you're full of clever acronyms still. So how did you one-up her?"


Star: "You didn't see the show?"


E: "Actually I did but I wasn't gonna give Star the satisfaction. So I said...'No I didn't.'"


Star (rolling her eyes): "Whatever. I decided to leave the show and announce it before that biatch had a chance to. I could tell the biatch was pissed."

E: " 'That's good for you Star.' "


: "Who does she think she is, bringing that fat cow Rosie to the show. A woman I hate. I guess I could say the writing was on the wall at that point. You know, you must've been clarivoyant not to print that interview we did. I was pissed off at first but now I realize you were looking out for my best interests. To think, I called that biatch an inspiration."

E: " 'Ummm, ok.' "

Star: "That old bitty is getting crazier by the day. Mark my words, that show will go down without my expert leadership."


" 'You know. I was gonna order a Big Mac...'"




Star: "The nerve of her. Does she know who I am? The public can't live without me just like I can't live without Mickey D's fries. Could you get me some more?"

E: " 'Umm, where's Al?' "

Star: "Oh him? He said something about needing to work out at the Y. He said he wanted to find some lost muscles."



E: " 'Umm, riiiggght.' "

===============================================

"You know, as much as I longed for the day Star would be put in her place, I wasn't feeling too keen about her departure from the show. Like her or not, she was an important element to the show whenever she wasn't self-promoting. She accomplished quite a bit considering her past weight issues. I imagine she had to fight every step of the way to get to where she was. It was too bad she became a victim of her own ego. But in retrospect, I think it was wrong for Barbara Walters and the producers of the show to force her out the way they did. It wouldn't surprise me if part of Rosie's contract stated that Star shouldn't be part of the team.

I'm glad she at least one-upped them, which is what I'm convinced she did, by announcing her departure days before the so-called official announcement, which the press was saying to be sometime later in the week.

So you know what? I ordered Star some Mickey D fries and I wished her the best of luck in her career. I even sat with her while we bitched about the show and men.

Damn, I'm such a softie."

Star Wars - Part II

"As I mentioned in my last entry, in order to spare me a fate worse than death, I told Star Jones I would interview her and it would appear in the Chicago Times. So the next morning, she sent Jabari over with a list of demands. I viewed the list after getting busy again with Jabari. It was hot. Real hot. Nice lips. Cool name. I love that name. Ja-bar-ee. Ja-bar-ee.

Ohh...back to, yeah, her. Star's list included the following:

• Three trays of buffalo wings. One with mild sauce, one with extra spicy sauce, one with bbq sauce.
• Two cases of Diet Coke. (Because I'm on a diet.)
• An entire Red Velvet Cake.
• An entire Boston Creme Pie.
• A tray of shrimp scampi.
• 3 orders each of shrimp fried rice, bbq ribs, angel hair pasta, and brown rice.
  
• 5 bottles of Courvoisier (chilled).
• 5 bottles of Cristal (chilled).
• 10 large silver plates with matching sterling silverware.
• 10 smaller silver dessert plates with matching sterling silverware.
• 10 crystal champagne glasses.
• 2 canisters of Tums.
• 3 male exotic dancers (for entertainment).

I knew I was going to need some Tums after reading that list. If the food wasn't outrageous enough, she wanted male exotic dancers. Who orders dancers for an interview? Was Al making an appearance?

I immediately called Star. Well after dropping the list and playing around again with Jabari. (Heh.) I said, 'Look Star, there's no humanly possible way that even you could eat all that food on the list."




"Well, E. If those demands aren't met, then the interview is off."




(Once again, I had to think quick on my feet.) "I, ummm, gave your list to the Chicago Tribune, I mean Chicago Times, and you know what they said. They decided to donate all the items you requested, minus the exotic dancers, to a local homeless shelter. They figured it would be good publicity for you to mention it in the paper."


"Hmmm. I like how the Times thinks. That's what I'm talking about. I bet a sista thought about that idea."





"Ummm, yeah. Nothing can get past you Star. (E rolls his eyes before continuing.) So how about since we've donated the items, we just do the interview over the phone? Like now. I have things to do. I'm sure you do to. That way you can enjoy all the fine foods I know you have in the house."


"Yeah, whatever."




============================================
The transcript to our phone interview is presented below. Enjoy!

E: "Ok Star. I will begin the interview after I say the words 'biscuits and gravy'. Got that?"

Star: "Mmmm. I love me my Mama's biscuits."

E: "Buscuits and gravy."

Star: "I don't mind if I do."

E: "Too easy. Hemingway. Your book. That one that came out last year. I think, right? Something about needing physical, spiritual, ummm, I think emotional. Something about those being critical to trapping a man. Am I right?"

Star: "Did you even read my book?"

E: "Of course I did."

Star: "What's the title then?"

E: "Hey. I'm the one asking the questions here. And here's the book for our readers so they can go out and get it."

Star: "Are you showing the readers the right book?"

E: "Of course. Don't be silly. Speaking of Joy Behar..."

Star: "Who the fuck's speaking about that old cow?"

E: "So it's true? You and Joy are currently feuding?"

Star (Talking thru her teeth.): "Joy and I get along famously."

"That's not what my sources tell me. There was the time you were being Bridezilla and got into an altercation because Joy had a mini-camera at your wedding. Then there was the time you fought about religion on the show."


Star: "We have different opinions but outside the show, we get along well."

E: "Your wedding? Are you saying that was a show?"

Star: (Something inaudible)

E: "Give me the first word that comes to mind as I name one of your co-hosts."

Star: "Okay."

E: "Meredith." ---- Star: "Intoxicating." ---- E: "Joy." ---- Star: "Laughable."

E: "Elisabeth." ---- Star: "Special." ---- E: "Barbara." ---- Star: "Phenomenal."

E: "How would you describe yourself?"


"I'm a Babe In Total Control of Herself. A true Bitch."




E: "Ummm, cute. Does Al call you that?"

Star: "He better not if he knows what's good for him."

E: "So that AOL gig? You're a love expert now. How did that come about?"

Star: "I'd rather not say. It's just a honor to be able to share my love experiences with the world. Everyone needs that help. They should know if Star can do it, then they can do it too."

E: "So all of us would like to know. Does Al lay it on you down low in the sack?"

Star: "I will not answer that question."

E: "So the sex isn't great?"

Star: "Of course it's great. It completes me. He's my soulmate."

E: "Your anniversary recently passed. Congrats. Many didn't give you six months."

Star: "Shows what those people know. Al and I will be together forever."

E: "As long as Whitney and Bobby?"

Star: "Longer."

E: "Ok. So why did E! choose not renew your contract?"

Star: "I chose not to renew it. I have a national blitz tour planned for my new book Shine: A Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual Journey to Finding Love. My tour would've conflicted with any commitments I would need with E!"


"Wow. That really sounds exciting. (Not!) So you still don't want to fess up to having stomach staples?"




Star: "How I lost over 150 pounds is none of your business. I choose not to endorse any one particular method."

E: "That's odd since you're putting all your other business out in the street. So are you not endorsing your chosen medical intervention because noone's paying you to do so?

Star: "I will not dignify that question with a response."

E: "So let's end this thing. Any last words you want to share with the audience."


"Yes there is. I just want to let everyone out there to know that they can acheive all of their dreams too. Buy my book because it gives you step by step instructions to living a happier life. I am so happy. I am so complete. I am, simply put, a Star. You can too. Buy my book. Buy it now. It'll be the best $25 you ever spent. I promise."


E: "Alrighty then. Thanks Star for sharing that. And ummm, thanks for granting this interview. Bye."

==========================================

"Star is gonna flip out when she finds out I don't work for the Chicago Times. I hope you all enjoyed the (mock) interview. It's now back to my regular scheduled life. PEACE!"

Star Wars - Part I

"After my encounter with Star Jones months ago, I received a threatening voice gram from the same young flunkie that filled her plates with food at the local China Buffet she almost bankrupted. I remember it like it was yesterday. Oh wait! I think it was yesterday.

Hemingway, he came up to my door and rung my bell repeatedly. When I went to open it, his exact words were...'I'll eat you alive'.

I was a bit stunned. I took a closer look and knew the dude looked familiar but couldn't quite place where I saw him before. I realized that dude was freaking hot. He was about 5'10, for real, unlike myself. He was about 180 lbs of pure muscle and couldn't have been over 20. I told him 'You need to be careful with your choice of words because I could've turned you out right there. I still might.'

I couldn't believe how bold I was being. I'm normally the shy, cautious one that doesn't openly flirt, especially with guys that may not swing my way. But to my surprise, he licked his lips and smiled suggestively at me. He said...'You know. I could fuck you so good.'

So I said...'I got the lube in the tube and the glove for love.' I cringed after saying that. So, so corny. But he didn't seem to care. 'I thought you'd never ask,' he said as he entered inside. My house...*LOL*.

About an hour after our intense freak session, his cellie begins to ring. I roll my eyes when he picks it up because I was ready for round 2. And you know how I want to throttle folks who answer their cell phone in the middle of a date. But I chilled when realizing technically we didn't really have a date. I didn't even know his name. Besides the conversation from his end sounded interesting.

'Yeah I delivered your message.' Silence. 'Umm, I'm on my way back Star.'

'Star Jones?' I said out loud. He nodded in the affirmative. That's when I realized he was that flunkie that filled her plates up. 'Are you that flunkie that was at the China Buffet filling up her plates with food?'

He rolled his eyes. 'I ain't no flunky.' He still had the phone to his ear. He then said on the phone. 'I'm talking to E.'

He hands me the phone. 'Queen Bee wants to speak with you.'

'Star Jones. I should've known the moment, ummm...(He tells me his name is Jabari.)...Jabari said the words "I'll eat you alive." Didn't you do that to big Gay Al?'"

"Fuck you!"





"Ummm. I think we established that you're too disgusting to have sex with."





(Star begins to ramble loudly and in her menacing tone.) "...I will sue the pants off of you. When I get through with you, you'll wish you were never born. I will put you in a vat of barbecue sauce and fry you in my giant, industry size oven. I will..."


('Fearing for my life, I thought quick on my feet.') "Wait. Would you cook someone who's read your most excellent autobiographical book on your, ummm, finding the love of your life? I, ummm, ghost write for the Chicago Times. I could do an interview with you. You know. Folks have seen you on Dr. Shill, I mean Dr. Phil, and on 20/20. They'll be compelled to hear even more about your fascinating life experiences."

"I'm thinking."





"America can't get enough of you. You would be doing the American public a great big favor. What do ya say?"




"You're so right. I am a fascinating person. AOL knew what they were doing when they hired me to be their love expert. I mean, Al is the love of my life. We knew when we saw each other, that it would be forever. Everyone can benefit from the love experiences we had and continue to have."


"I knew there was a reason I hated AOL."





"What? Why you mother fucking, chicken wing looking...mmm, chicken wings...you piece of chocolate cake smelling..."




"Star! It was a joke. I love AOL as much as I love, umm, you." (E throws up a few chunks, freaking out Jabari.)





"Hey. At least you didn't have to eat Star's cooch?"




(Jabari and E throw up at the same time.)

"Are you eating something good?"





"Wrong choice of words, Star. Ummm, yeah. Let's schedule this interview for tomorrow. Let's say, 2PM ish? Is that okay with you?"



=========================================

"So we schedule the interview time. And you know I made Jabari clean up the mess. After I hung up on the bitch, I groaned in disgust realizing I'm gonna have to read her pathetic book. Come back Sunday night or Monday morning for the fascinating interview. It's one you simply can't miss."