Saturday, April 26, 2008

Action Star

: "I was lounging on my couch watching Missing: Season 2 on DVD. Vivica was doing her usual 'round the way sista gurl' act and that had me stitches. I love my girl Vivica. If I ever needed protection in the streets, I knew who to call. As Vivica's Missing partner psychic girl was having another one of her visions, I couldn't help but think there's no way I'd want that bitch to be driving me anywhere. She's liable to have one of her visions and crash the car.

I looked at the clock and it was nearly 11PM. My plan was to hit this new gay spot that opened on the westside. Since I might be up for a while, I decided to take a 20-minute power nap.

Fast forward to an hour later and I'm chilling at the spot with a Cranberry Vodka. What other drink can get you drunk and potentially help your urinary tract at the same time? I was about to order another one when the cute bartender placed a glass of Alizé in my hands.

'Thanks sexy daddy,' I said.

'It wasn't from me babe. It's compliments of the, umm, person over there,' he said as he pointed in the direction of the mystery person.

I should have known the barely out of college frat guy type wouldn't give me free drinks let alone one as ghetto as an Alizé. I turned my head and was shocked to see that Star Jones was my drink giver. She raised her glass of Alizé and took her sip. I reluctantly picked up the drink and did the same.

I watched in horror as she approached me."

Star: "So how you doing? I was just here checking the spot out and you caught my eye."

E: 'You know we've met before, right?'

Star: 'Really? I don't remember any of that.'

E: ("I was stunned that my legendary encounters and multiple interviews with the former talk show host were quickly forgotten. Or was she just saving face? Granted my last meeting with her was almost two years ago. But whatever. Either way...I played along.") 'Oh never mind that. It's wild you picking me up when I just saw your girl in action hours ago.'

Star: 'Who's that?'

E: 'You know who she is. Ms. Vivica A. Fox. Wasn't she one of your 12 bridesmaids at your wedding?'

"I noticed Star's face began to contort. She looked livid and quickly downed her remaining Alizé. She then snatched mine and downed that as well. I didn't care much for Alizé Hemingway."

Star: 'I do not speak Vivica's name anymore.'

E: 'What did she do?'

Star: 'Her man stole my man.'

"All of a sudden my fascination for Vivica made sense. Vivica played the sassy no nonsense type of gal that gay guys like me flocked to. It must be a double edge sword for women like Vivica and Star. Strong enough to take no flack from anyone but a shortage of eligible straight men that wanted to deal with the drama. So wanting to fulfill their fantasies, these women turned to the only men who'd give them the attention they men."

E: 'You knew Al was gay when you married him, didn't you?'

Star (sighing deeply): 'Yeah I knew. And he was a good little servant for me. He drew my bath water for me. He ordered massages. He ordered food. He even found guys that were willing to eat my cooch-'

E: 'You do know I threw up a bit in my mouth, right?'

Star: 'So I had to let him go. He coveted another sista's man and in Section 3 point 1 point 2 point 7, amendment 4a of my prenup, it states that if he coveted another sista's man that it was grounds for me filing a divorce and him not getting a single penny.

Oh he tried so hard to stick around. I was his meal ticket and he really didn't want to fuck that up. Even after I fucked up things on the View and my own TV show after that got canned, I was still worth more than Al. He knew that. But he bored me silly after a while. You know he wasn't much of a challenge for me. But thankfully I knew it was a matter of time before he would break something in my tight ass prenup. And he did. So here I am.'

E: 'So why'd you marry him?'

Star: 'I was tired of all the leeches coming up to me and I thought having one exclusive leech would quench my thirst.'

E: 'So that book you wrote was all a lie?'

Star: 'Star Jones don't lie honey. I was being honest and truthful in that book. That book will help you find a man.'

"Since Star wasn't going to buy me a drink with her cheap ass, I ordered up another cranberry vodka."

E: 'But obviously it won't help me keep one.'

"Star did her best to act seductive. But it was scaring the shit out of me."

Star: 'Why you want a no good man, when you can have all of this.'

E (stifling laughter): 'As tempting as that offer is, I must respectfully decline.'

"The thought of hooking up with Star Jones made me sick to my stomach. I may like no nonsense women but they have to at least be attractive. Even Skeletor beat her in the looks department and that's cause despite a bony face, he had some serious muscle tone. I was so disgusted that I quickly downed my cranberry vodka."

Star: 'Your loss honey.'

And with that she quickly moved on to another prospect in the club. As she ran off, I felt a brush on my shoulder. I turned my head and was stunned by the hotness of this dude that was now speaking to me. Shockingly it was frat boy bartender.

FBB: 'So you know Star Jones?'

E: 'I can not tell a lie. Yeah I do.'

FBB: 'Cool. Let's go up to my private office and you can tell me all about it.'

"I figured since everyone would see us going in the office that it would be safe. So I followed him inside. Star Jones was the furthest thing on my mind as we began making out on the spot.

Wow. Who knew that Star would help me find my own action? Thanks Star."



Blogger Promiscuous X said...

Hey E,

I just called you lol. I wanted to hear from the horses mouth or was you dreaming this whole post lol. call me back. I left you a voicemail my extenstion is 1704

10:50 AM, April 28, 2008  
Blogger Mr. Jones said...

LMAOOOOOO....E, you are too much.

I should have known the barely out of college frat guy type wouldn't give me free drinks let alone one as ghetto as an Alizé.

That line has me in stitches.

11:13 AM, April 28, 2008  
Blogger Ladynay said...

Wow! Has it really been 2 years since the last Star entry?

I've been reading you tooo long! LOL

12:41 PM, April 28, 2008  
Blogger Harold Gibson said...

I agree with ladynay. It's been two years dang. This was one of your best. Too funny man.

12:22 AM, April 29, 2008  
Blogger j_shanlin said...

I cant take it!!! You shouldve given this much life at the reunion! I am hollering! And I'm mad at Skeletor for the limp wrist.

11:12 AM, April 29, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So I just made the Star train. First time traveler.

Please keep this going...

11:12 AM, April 29, 2008  
Blogger That Dude Right There said...

I was wondering when that heiffer would show up in your life again!!!!

2:21 PM, April 30, 2008  
Blogger Bullet Proof Soul said...

I was actually buying this at first. Guess I had to learn. LMAO!!

7:34 PM, April 30, 2008  

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