Super-Sized Star

I'm feeling silly tonight.

The following is a fictional account of an encounter E recently had with the person known affectionately as Star Jones Reynold (Heh. I threw up a bit in my mouth after typing that.):


(He speaks in a narrative tone.): "I couldn't even say I was surprised. I mean Star Jones and buffet lines go together like a lock and key, like cereal with milk, like the ying to the yang, the tit to the tat. I think you get the picture.

Picture it! A famished brother enters a local restaurant named China Buffet. He marvels to himself how there's a whole chain of restaurants with that same name. They must be owned by some Chinese mafia person who has a last name of Buffet, he says to himself. He pays his $7.50 and is quickly accosted by a waitress, desperate for a tip. Or could she be falling for E's charms. E laughs off the notion as he tells her that he wants a Sprite on the rocks. She's confused by the 'on the rocks' part so E sighs and tells her just to serve it with ice.

He gets up and heads for the buffet. He marvels at the nice spread and pulls a plate. He begins by taking a nice helping of fried rice. Just when he's about to head towards the shrimp egg rolls, he gets nudged by someone.

Excuse you, errr, ma'am, he says. It takes E a minute to discern whether the person bumping him is a man or woman. The person doesn't pay him no mind, instead she's yelling at someone on the phone, while simultaneously barking at a younger dude following her to stock up on the crab rangoons. It then dawns on E that the person that rudely bumped him was Star Jones. He eavesdrops a bit on the conversation."


(She's yelling to the young dude with a plate.) : "When you're finished filling that up with crab rangoons, take that plate back to my table and then get another plate of chicken w/brocolli. And get me a diet coke. I am on a diet, you know. (She gets back to yelling on the phone.) What do you mean the people at E! don't want to return my phone calls? Don't they know how hot of a commodity I am? I bought the viewers in. You tell them that. Bitch." (She hangs up her phone.)



(E hears the words E and walks up towards Star.) : "Oh wow. What's the odds of running into you at a buffet? You know, my friends call me E too."



(Star ignores E and walks around the restaurant.)




(E tries another approach as he follows her.) : "I was sick at home the other day and was forced to watch the Shrew. So tell me, is that former Survivor chick really that dense?"



(Star still ignores E, digging her fingers into the sweet and sour sauce.) : "I gotta get me that recipe."



: "Ummm, how about that all-star game?"






(Star still ignores E and is now picking at the mongolian beef with her hands.) : "Yum."



: "Oh. I forgot. I met Al at Steamworks and he gave me the best blow job."





(Star turns her head and gives E the dirtiest look.) : "What??!!? He told me he was walking our dog. He didn't tell me he met a mutt."



(E laughs.) : "Heh. You got jokes? I guess your stomach staples must've popped out considering the plates of food waiting for you."




: "Stomach staples? Fuck you!"




(E snarks.) : "Umm, hell to the no! If Al won't do it, I certainly won't. I'm trying to eat here. You know what, I just lost my appetite."




"So Star and I continued to exchange heated words. I was only able to get away because a new batch of cajun shrimp came out and distracted Star. Having lost my appetite, I quickly left the restaurant. I moaned over losing my $7.50. But I was thankful for escaping unscathed. Where's Kathy Griffin when you need her?"