Wednesday, March 26, 2008


Follow - Gary Taylor

[Verse 1]
I'll follow you wherever you go

I'll follow you....forever
I'll follow you and you'll always know

My love for you is...forever

[Verse 2]
I'll follow you to the end of the Earth

I'll follow you...forever

I'll follow you for whatever it's worth

My love for you is...forever

[Verse 3]
I'll follow you for more than a day

I'll follow you...forever

I'll follow you just to hear you say
Your love for me is...forever

I've been mentioning Gary Taylor a lot in my blog lately. Follow is a simple ballad from his first album Compassion. It's a ballad with such few words. The first minute of the song is purely instrumental with an occasional grunt from Gary. It isn't until the one and a half minute mark that you hear Gary's first words. However Gary makes the most of those few words. It's definitely powerful to say that you'll follow someone forever. Can you imagine in real life finding someone that you would do that for (other than family)?

I decided to upload the song via my Jumpcut account so everyone can listen to it. Hemingway I thought of the song earlier today as Rock shared some interesting information.

Hemingway Rock's told me before that he doesn't want to live in Rockford forever. I mean I've been there a few times and I honestly can't say I blame him. When I say the town is boring, I mean it's b-o-r-i-n-g. Okay if you enjoy restaurants and general activities like movies, shopping, etc., then there are some good places to go. But Rockford's a pretty backward area to live in as far as cities. I live in a slightly more progressive burb and even I can't see myself living there forever, even though it's going on 8 years. But this comes from the brother who said he'd leave his job a year there you go. *LOL*. Speaking of the job, so much is going on there (not sure if it's for the better just yet....but I'll have to blog about that another time).

So yesterday morning Rock mentions that he received a call last night from his close friend Stoney in New York. Stoney mentioned to Rock that an ex-boyfriend of his (Stoney's not Rock's) works for a major accounting firm that's looking for 'black accountants'. Rock seemed pretty excited by the prospect even though nothing's happened yet. Rock said if the money was right, he would immediately jump at the chance to relocate elsewhere. I told Rock I'd follow him wherever he long as it's not Timbuktu or something. I said it rather quickly and actually a few times we've discussed relocating before I told him the same.

You see, it wasn't long ago I was looking for a change of scenery. I had flirted with the thought of moving to Seattle or Charlotte in the last couple years but the former didn't materialize because I found it boring while the latter didn't mostly because I met Rock. But I totally feel like I'm ready for a new adventure myself. Well I've been ready for a while.

After I hung up with Rock this morning, the gravity of what I said hit me. I'm talking about following a man wherever he goes. It seems so crazy. One only has to think of the back and forth motions Rock and I go through to question the sanity. One week we're doing great, the next we're on the verge of breaking up.

This past Sunday was the first time Rock and I had seen each other in almost three weeks. I actually purposely made myself busy but Rock was determined to meet me. Originally I was supposed to head to Detroit for Easter weekend with Sally but Sally chickened out with the weather and I decided not to risk it myself.

Rock was content to meet me the following weekend but since my trip didn't happen, I told Rock that I would make a quick trip this weekend. So not wanting to go a month without seeing me, he decided he needed to find a way to see me Easter weekend.

One of the issues that was happening though is that Rock was determining when we would see each other. It was advised by my bff Eugene that I purposely make myself unavailable just so I'm not always there at Rock's beck and call. The reasoning being that Rock doesn't always make himself available when I want to see him yet I've always been available for him.

So since I didn't go home Easter weekend, I suggested to Sally that I attend Easter service with her and then we go to lunch afterwards. Sally was game.

I told Rock about my plans and feigned like I forgot that I made them earlier before agreeing to meet with Rock on Sunday, even though I had made the plans with Sally after the fact. But Rock was determined to see me and since he would be out of town this week for work, he wouldn't even be available to meet half way for dinner. Then by the time he got back, I would be making my way to Detroit for the weekend. Note that I've made these same suggestions to Rock weeks earlier but he wasn't "up for seeing me".

So Rock was trying to figure something out and I couldn't bring myself to saying that I wasn't up for seeing him. It was harder since my "non-juice" ass was up for seeing him...*LOL*. So I made the suggestion that maybe he could hang out with Sally and I during lunch. He was game.

So he wound up meeting Sally and I for lunch. He even texted me with the idea of us paying for Sally's lunch. I thought it was a nice gesture on his part. I had mentioned to him Sally's continued search for a new job and how so far things haven't turned up for her. Of course Sally was appreciative that we covered her tab.

Afterwards Rock and I sat in his truck and talked for a few minutes before going our separate ways. It felt like we really missed each other and Rock kept mentioning how he had to see me this weekend since he hadn't seen me prior. He told me later on how inconvenient the afternoon lunch was for him (since he wanted to be back in Rockford early enough to pack for his work trip...him and his early planning and all...*LOL*) but that he wanted to make the extra effort to see me and let me know that he wanted to see me. I reminded Rock how in the first few months of our relationship, we made more of an effort to see each other. He remembered and agreed that we needed to work our way back to that level.

It was a sweet conversation. I swear I wanted to kiss him so bad but since we weren't in boystown or somewhere private, I couldn't. So we just smiled, touched each other's hands, and I left to walk towards my car.

So Hemingway back to the topic at hand. If I were to follow Rock, the next question would be would we live together. Could we live together? Part of me thinks it would be better for us to still live separately initially just so we could get used to having our own space. Then hopefully if we continue progressing, we move in together.

It would probably be better that way initially since neither of us are officially out with our family and friends. I could see my parents (especially my Mom) flipping out if I told her I was moving to live with a guy. It'd be easier to say I'm moving because of a job opportunity. Hmm. I guess until the stock thing takes off I would need to find another job. I'm pretty sure I could find a decent job wherever we go.

It's definitely a big step. I never thought I'd find anyone that I'd even consider doing it with.

So in short, yes, I'd follow Rock wherever he goes. I'll follow Rock...forever.

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Thursday, March 20, 2008

Quest For Mr. Right

The following entry actually was my response to Mr. Jones post titled "I've Been Thinking". It'll probably be good to read his post first before reading my response. I wound up rambling quite a bit but then realized that my words may actually benefit others. So rather than risk them not being read at all, I thought I'd post my comment to Mr. Jones on my blog. I'll take out any references to Mr Jones so that the reader can place their name in the spot.

As for Rock and I, we're doing our best to work through our current issues. Some of our issues I know we'll keep revisiting since we've reached impasses. But I guess that's part of being in a relationship. Sometimes we have to agree to disagree.

Hemingway...without further adieu:

"I fall into the category of "having a man already" so I may not be totally understanding. But I was in your situation for a little over two years before that fateful 11/2006 day. That is, the first period where I realized I wanted more than just a fuck and run.

So I can speak of how rough it is out there. It's just hard finding a guy that has the same mind sets when it comes to relationships as you do. And I can say that you'll never find that perfect guy. Rock and I still have issues when it comes to how we want to define our relationship. Sure we have the basics down....for example: that we want to be committed to each other only and being supportive of each other. But we're divided over how much time to spend together, where we want to travel next, balancing control, stuff like that. But basically in spite of those things, I know that I want to make things work with Rock because I love him. I love him enough to overlook the few negative qualities.

The person you ultimately meet to take things to a boyfriend/boyfriend level won't meet all your standards. If you want someone like that, you'll be single forever. As long as he meets most of your standards and you can deal with the ones he don't meet, then you should be okay.

But as TDRT says, you have to put yourself out there and meet guys. I can't tell you how many dates I've had in the two years before I met Rock...well actually I blogged about most of them so there's a recorded account of them. (For the reader's convenience, click on this link to read some of my dating experiences.) But to summarize, I met guys that I hoped things would go further with, but the other guy wasn't on that same wavelength. I met guys who wanted to take things further with me but I wasn't feeling them like that after a date or two. I met guys that I strictly went out with and did the okie doke and then never saw them again. There were guys I wanted to meet but didn't want to meet me for whatever reasons.

You have to experience that spectrum and put yourself out there so that eventually the "right man for you" finds you.

Easier said than done, I know. I guess you'll just have to take baby steps.

To start, it may not hurt to put an Ad on the internet, even on the lame Adam4Adam. If nothing else, it'll give you some practice in the world of dating, once you weed out all the undesirables and find a guy that actually wants to meet and greet.

I would then go hit the club at least once a month. I'm probably the last person who benefitted from that since I can be a wallflower. But I get the sense that you're more of a social butterfly than I am so it might be beneficial just to see what's out there in the cesspool. You never know. When I went to Charlotte a year or so back, there was this one hot guy that owned his own furniture business that was part of a crew I hung out with. He seemed intelligent and appeared to have his shit together. But he rarely clubs since he's so busy being a proprieter (can't spell...*LOL*). Just imagine meeting someone like him that just so happened to go to the club on that same night.

Meeting the right guy is definitely mostly luck (I met Rock via a Yahoo message board...oooh try that...*LOL*), but you have to put yourself out there to make that luck happen.

Ooooh...let me stop. You'll be fine [your name] either way. And it's good that you took the time to evaluate yourself. Look forward to meeting you in April."

Hopefully it's as good to you as it was to me when I typed it out...:-)

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Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Hit Me Baby 50000 Times!

It only took 3 years and 11 1/2 months from when I first started blogging but I've finally received the 50000 hit at 9:35 AM today (03/12). If only hit milestones were translated into dollars, I would be 50000 richer. Luckily for me my timing for working from home worked out perfectly for me to watch the hit counter tick. And tick. And tick.

Hemingway I thought it'd be fun like when I "hit me baby 10000 times"to see how my webpage was hit. Sometimes folks come over to your site on the strangest keywords. So I decided to track the hits from 49995 through 50005. Without further adieu:

Search words: "keep on moving my love over the borderline"

Clearly someone had Madonna on the brain and were led to my most recent post. Speaking of Borderline, I definitely love Jody Watley's version of the song. It feels more heartfelt and poignant than Madonna's original bubblegum version of it. And that's not taking away from Madonna's version because I like hers too. I just like Jody's better.

Search words: Direct Hit From Cash S. website.
Based on the comment immediately afterwards, it looks like Darius clicked on the link to my website Cash has on his site. Very cool peeps.

Search words: Direct Hit From Gibby's website.
Immediately after the hit there was a comment from Gibby himself. Thanks again for reading my blog and offering from time to time your pearls of wisdom. I also enjoy reading your posts and marveling over the outrageous conversations you've had with various 'cousins'....*LOL*.

Search words: "chaka khan tit pics"

Wow. Someone was trying to find Chaka Khan nudie pics and unfortunately only found this entry on a crazed Chaka fan I met visiting Seattle. Do nudies of Chaka exist out there? Maybe back in the day she posed for a ragmag. I don't really care to find out. This proved to be the craziest search based on the range of hits I was analyzing.

Search words: Direct hit on my website.
Boring....*LOL*. Next.

Drum roll please! So how was the 50000 hit directed to my site. We'll find out momentarily...but on to the 50001th hit. Of course you could scroll all the way to the bottom and find out. But Hemingway...

Search words: Direct hit on my website.
My quest for more outrageous searches like Chaka Khan's tit pics continues. Well at least till 50005. Waiting for hits is like waiting for paint dry. *LOL* Next.

Search words: "randy ritchwood on half"
Finally...finally....a decent search. My god...I remember that sexpot from the 1st edition of I Love New York. I referenced his wood in the post that person linked to. Plus he definitely has nudies. Yum.

Search words: Direct hit from Ms. Holiday's old blogzine site.
Aww. I still totally miss Ms. Holiday. She done stop visiting my site. If she were in Chicago, she'd so be one of my hags...*LOL*. Interesting to know that people still visit her site years after she closed shop. Makes me think if folks will be visiting my old site 100 years from now (after I'm long dead and buried obviously...*LOL*).

Search words: "randy ritchwood"
Somebody really wants to find randy ritchwood. Yeah I know. I'd love to run into him in a dark alley. *LOL*. I was busy working when the 50004th hit came up. So that's why that last pin is messed up.

Search words: "where can I watch episodes of "half"
I'm not sure what Half show they were searching for. There's my fave Half & Half. But this person also could've been looking for Two & A Half Men. Or Half-baked. Or Half & Half milk. The possibilities are endless.

And now....the moment of truth. For real this time. What wound up being my 50000th hit?

Search words: Direct hit on my website.

Damn. Damn. Damn. I was hoping it'd be some weird ass search like 'Lamman eating oreos on an opera singer" or "Taylor stripping for love in New York". But alas it was merely a direct hit to my site. Oh well. And there wasn't even a comment so I've no clue who the 50000 person could be.

Maybe when the 100,000th hit occurs sometime in February 2010 (based on current hit rate), it'll be a bizarre search. Until then thanks everyone for humoring me. Back to work now. Oh's after 12 PM. Lunch break.


Tuesday, March 11, 2008


Borderline - Madonna

[Verse 1]
Something in the way you love me won't let me be
I don't want to be your prisoner so baby won't you set me free
Stop playing with my heart
Finish what you start
When you make my love come down
If you want me let me know
Baby let it show
Honey don't you fool around

Just try to understand, I've given all I can,
'Cause you got the best of me

[Chorus 1]

Borderline feels like I'm going to lose my mind
You just keep on pushing my love over the borderline

Repeat Chorus 1

[Chorus 2]
Keep on pushing me baby
Don't you know you drive me crazy
You just keep on pushing my love over the borderline

[Verse 2]
Something in your eyes is makin' such a fool of me
When you hold me in your arms you love me till I just can't see
But then you let me down, when I look around, baby you just can't be found
Stop driving me away, I just wanna stay,
There's something I just got to say

Just try to understand, I've given all I can,
'Cause you got the best of me

Repeat Chorus 1 twice

Repeat Chorus 2 once

Look what your love has done to me
Come on baby set me free
You just keep on pushing my love over the borderline
You cause me so much pain, I think I'm going insane
What does it take to make you see?
You just keep on pushing my love over the borderline

Another elliptical record was set today. 10,522 strides. I swear...I don't know what's gotten to me. Maybe it's the hemp seeds I've been recently eating. Apparently they add some essential fatty acids that the human body doesn't produce normally yet is needed. Maybe that's giving me the extra energy.

In sadder news....

I feel like Rock and I are at the borderline of ending things again. We had a horrible fight this morning over the phone. Well it was mostly Rock yelling at me. I was insensitive to his feelings. It wasn't my intention to be but it happened.

He's really been having a hard time dealing with his cousin's death. What made it harder is that he's lost several close friends and four key family members over the course of several years. It took him a while from what he's told me to move past the deaths and whenever anniversary of said deaths occur, his mood can get unpredictable as I've learned. His way of dealing with it is to shut himself off from the world as much as possible. Basically what he coins 'going underground'. He's even contemplating taking a leave from his job.

So obviously our relationship has suffered even more. We don't see each other enough as it is and now he's putting more restrictions on that time because he needs to be by himself. On the one hand I'm trying to be understanding but on the other hand I'm annoyed because our relationship as well as his other relationships are suffering.

So in a fit of rage I basically told Rock that there are folks who miss having him around and if something happens to one of us, how is he going to feel neglecting that relationship. Boy did that set him off. With good reason. Yes I know (even though I'm sure I'll get the comments anyway...*LOL*) it was way harsh. So I let him go off.

He basically told me I was insensitive and until I experience a death close to me that I shouldn't make judgment. He then told me he's gonna do what he has to do so I should go do what I have to do. Then he told me to have a nice day, I wished him the same, and we hung up.

Both of us were on our ways to work and after I hung up I had to stop myself from tearing up. After getting myself together, I decided to immediately call my parents. I should definitely be grateful that they're still around.

As for Rock I'll just have to give him his space. I'll keep everyone posted.

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Saturday, March 08, 2008

Steamworks Redux

It's been more than sixteen months since my last HIV test. I went to the Cook County Department of Public Health in October 2006 to get tested for HIV. The location wasn't as interesting as the previous time I tested but I mixed things up by also testing for a few more STD's. In particular Syphilis, Gonorrhea, and "The Clap". The test for Chlamydia in particular I will never forget. I swore after testing for that one I vowed never again to have sex with men. But I think I dated a week after that and somehow stumbled unto Rock later on.

So I've been thinking about taking an HIV test again. I've only been with Rock and I'm 99.44% certain he's only been with me. But nonetheless I feel like it's something I should be doing. I'm thinking of asking Rock to get tested as well but I don't know if asking is appropriate. Part of me thinks he might be offended if I ask. I can't help but think he might question why I want him to be tested. After all if we've only been with each other, why would we need to be tested. I think he may even question why I want to test myself. Plus he's not in the best state of mind right now.

I don't know. I'm thinking I may just go do it for myself for my peace of mind. Looks like I have another date with Steamworks in my future. *LOL*.

P.S....I reached a record milestone yesterday while doing elliptical training. I typically am on the machine for a full hour plus the 5 minute cool off. I wa pleasantly surprised to see that I completed over 10,000 strides. It was 10,276 to be exact. I guess climbing all those steps at my new work location is starting to pay off.

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Saturday, March 01, 2008

Special People

Special - Gary Taylor (duet with Bridgette Bryant)

[Verse 1 - Gary]
I would like to take a minute of your time just to let you know

How your thoughtfulness, and tender ways
caused my love to grow

And in the evening when I settle down
I have more than just my peace of mind
Knowing you're around

You’re special – so very special

You're a special part of my life

[Verse 2 - Bridgette]
Can’t explain the feeling that I get when you touch my hand
Cause the love that flows from you to me
Is more than I can stand

And like it’s been said many times before
With everyday that passes by – I’m loving you
more and more and more

[Chorus 2]
You’re special – so very special
You’re a special part of my life
So very special - you're a special part of my life

Even if the time should come where we should be apart

It won’t bother me – cause you’re right here in my heart
Here’s hoping that the moments shared will always be enough
I know it will - as long as there's love

[Verse 3 - Bridgette and Gary]
I don’t need to know all the answers we’re yet to find

I only want to live for the love you placed on my mind

And like it’s been said so many times before
With everyday that passes by – I’m loving you more and more

[Repeat Chorus 2]

[Bridge 2]
Never had a love so right

gonna love you for the rest of my life - you are -so special

I just want to let you know
you caused my love to grow - you are - so special

I remember when I first heard this song being so excited to hear something new from Gary Taylor. I first heard of Gary in 1992 while listening to a late night radio show. I was in the middle of my Junior year in college still living at home with my parents. The DJ (who I've long forgotten about) played a lot of Gary Taylor's music even though his stuff wasn't considered mainstream. I remembered enjoying listening to Gary early singles and it took me almost a year before I found his album Square One in a local store.

I've blogged about Gary a few times on my blog, the first time doing so when I wasn't as popular of a read. Over the years he released eight albums, most of them via his own independent label Morning Crew records.

So Hemingway I was in the mood to listen to some of Gary's music on the way to work today. I popped in his One Day At A Time CD and listened repeatedly to Special (among other tunes).
Special is the song that I would want to be "our song" if I ever have a civil ceremony.

Of course the song got me thinking of the "special" folks that are in my life. Relationship wise, top on my list is Rock. He and I have had a few challenges over our almost 16-month courtship. We're still working through a few of those. Things were made even more challenging with Rock's close cousin passing away February 12th. Rock's been extra moody and distant, which I guess is understandable. It has taken its toll on the relationship but I'm doing my best to be patient.

I've actually focused on trying to befriend a few more guys on that site. Believe it or not, I've actually met a few cool guys who know that I'm not looking for anything beyond friendship with them, though I admit to being tempted by one...well his pics....*LOL*. I've hung out with one of them a few times already and a second one last weekend. The temptation one forwarded me his resume so I could pass to my job (even though folks have been laid off left and right).

Rock and I haven't seen each other in three weeks. We're planning on hanging out tomorrow and part of Sunday. Rock says he wants to do whatever I want to do. But we'll see. Historically depending on what that something is, he's put up quite the resistance.

I just don't know what his state of mind will be like. Like I said, we haven't seen each other in weeks. The death of his cousin has really rocked him to the core and he hasn't dealt very well with the death. Even prior to that, we also haven't had sex since early January. Even though Rock's assured me that it's just his appetite for sex hasn't been there, I do know he's mentioned liking to be topped and I haven't been able to meet that need. I can't help but wonder if eventually he may meet that need elsewhere. Lord knows the lack of sex has contributed to me feeling tempted at times.

I'm hoping for the best this weekend when we hang out. I rented Why Did I Get Married a few weeks back and hopefully we'll watch it at some point in the weekend. We did want to watch it together since he sees himself as Angela (obviously...*LOL*) and I see myself as a cross between "Patty Perfect" and Sheila. So I think that's one aspect of my plans that won't get vetoed....*LOL*.

In addition to Rock, the other special guy in my life is Eugene. And yeah he's definitely a special case at times. But he definitely has a good heart and has been quite the confidant over the three years we've known each other. He so wants to come back to Chicago so we can go back to Jackhammer's again. I told him he'll have to rent a car so that if he wants to partake in extracurricular activities, I won't stand in his way. I'm a cockblocker reformed...*LOL*.

Even though I'm not as close to my family as I like to be, they're also special to me as well. They've been a part of my life for almost 36 years now. My experiences growing up with them shaped me into the man I am today. I would do anything I could to make their lives easier. In fact, when I come to town next time, I plan of bringing my parents some Hemp seeds (which are supposedly quite beneficial and expensive). The Hemp seeds are said to even help delay Parkinson's Disease symptoms. I've ordered some seeds online and have enjoyed the taste so I'm hoping my parents enjoy them also.

I can't forget Sally and No_The_Game. Sally I've known for over 13 years and we've been there through our ups and downs of life. The greatest moment of course coming when I finally shared a big part of my life with her. No_The_Game, better known on YouTube as Grafinia, has been a great confidant as well. She's my international ambassador and has opened up my world to new possibilities I didn't think I'd ever be part of.

And I can't forget all my fellow bloggers. Actually I'm planning on attending the "Blogging Without Borders" family reunion this coming April sponsored by Mr. Jones and Mr Darius. That should definitely be fun.

Hope everyone has a good weekend and take the time to remember all the special people in your life.

P.S....Thank goodness for YouTube. Here's some videos featuring the talented Gary Taylor, the main inspiration behind getting my lazy ass to blog today.

Blind To It All

Love Dance

Hold Me Accountable

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