Saturday, April 26, 2008

Action Star

: "I was lounging on my couch watching Missing: Season 2 on DVD. Vivica was doing her usual 'round the way sista gurl' act and that had me stitches. I love my girl Vivica. If I ever needed protection in the streets, I knew who to call. As Vivica's Missing partner psychic girl was having another one of her visions, I couldn't help but think there's no way I'd want that bitch to be driving me anywhere. She's liable to have one of her visions and crash the car.

I looked at the clock and it was nearly 11PM. My plan was to hit this new gay spot that opened on the westside. Since I might be up for a while, I decided to take a 20-minute power nap.

Fast forward to an hour later and I'm chilling at the spot with a Cranberry Vodka. What other drink can get you drunk and potentially help your urinary tract at the same time? I was about to order another one when the cute bartender placed a glass of Alizé in my hands.

'Thanks sexy daddy,' I said.

'It wasn't from me babe. It's compliments of the, umm, person over there,' he said as he pointed in the direction of the mystery person.

I should have known the barely out of college frat guy type wouldn't give me free drinks let alone one as ghetto as an Alizé. I turned my head and was shocked to see that Star Jones was my drink giver. She raised her glass of Alizé and took her sip. I reluctantly picked up the drink and did the same.

I watched in horror as she approached me."

Star: "So how you doing? I was just here checking the spot out and you caught my eye."

E: 'You know we've met before, right?'

Star: 'Really? I don't remember any of that.'

E: ("I was stunned that my legendary encounters and multiple interviews with the former talk show host were quickly forgotten. Or was she just saving face? Granted my last meeting with her was almost two years ago. But whatever. Either way...I played along.") 'Oh never mind that. It's wild you picking me up when I just saw your girl in action hours ago.'

Star: 'Who's that?'

E: 'You know who she is. Ms. Vivica A. Fox. Wasn't she one of your 12 bridesmaids at your wedding?'

"I noticed Star's face began to contort. She looked livid and quickly downed her remaining Alizé. She then snatched mine and downed that as well. I didn't care much for Alizé Hemingway."

Star: 'I do not speak Vivica's name anymore.'

E: 'What did she do?'

Star: 'Her man stole my man.'

"All of a sudden my fascination for Vivica made sense. Vivica played the sassy no nonsense type of gal that gay guys like me flocked to. It must be a double edge sword for women like Vivica and Star. Strong enough to take no flack from anyone but a shortage of eligible straight men that wanted to deal with the drama. So wanting to fulfill their fantasies, these women turned to the only men who'd give them the attention they men."

E: 'You knew Al was gay when you married him, didn't you?'

Star (sighing deeply): 'Yeah I knew. And he was a good little servant for me. He drew my bath water for me. He ordered massages. He ordered food. He even found guys that were willing to eat my cooch-'

E: 'You do know I threw up a bit in my mouth, right?'

Star: 'So I had to let him go. He coveted another sista's man and in Section 3 point 1 point 2 point 7, amendment 4a of my prenup, it states that if he coveted another sista's man that it was grounds for me filing a divorce and him not getting a single penny.

Oh he tried so hard to stick around. I was his meal ticket and he really didn't want to fuck that up. Even after I fucked up things on the View and my own TV show after that got canned, I was still worth more than Al. He knew that. But he bored me silly after a while. You know he wasn't much of a challenge for me. But thankfully I knew it was a matter of time before he would break something in my tight ass prenup. And he did. So here I am.'

E: 'So why'd you marry him?'

Star: 'I was tired of all the leeches coming up to me and I thought having one exclusive leech would quench my thirst.'

E: 'So that book you wrote was all a lie?'

Star: 'Star Jones don't lie honey. I was being honest and truthful in that book. That book will help you find a man.'

"Since Star wasn't going to buy me a drink with her cheap ass, I ordered up another cranberry vodka."

E: 'But obviously it won't help me keep one.'

"Star did her best to act seductive. But it was scaring the shit out of me."

Star: 'Why you want a no good man, when you can have all of this.'

E (stifling laughter): 'As tempting as that offer is, I must respectfully decline.'

"The thought of hooking up with Star Jones made me sick to my stomach. I may like no nonsense women but they have to at least be attractive. Even Skeletor beat her in the looks department and that's cause despite a bony face, he had some serious muscle tone. I was so disgusted that I quickly downed my cranberry vodka."

Star: 'Your loss honey.'

And with that she quickly moved on to another prospect in the club. As she ran off, I felt a brush on my shoulder. I turned my head and was stunned by the hotness of this dude that was now speaking to me. Shockingly it was frat boy bartender.

FBB: 'So you know Star Jones?'

E: 'I can not tell a lie. Yeah I do.'

FBB: 'Cool. Let's go up to my private office and you can tell me all about it.'

"I figured since everyone would see us going in the office that it would be safe. So I followed him inside. Star Jones was the furthest thing on my mind as we began making out on the spot.

Wow. Who knew that Star would help me find my own action? Thanks Star."


Friday, April 25, 2008

Summer Hotties

Summer Bunnies - R. Kelly

Girl, you know you knock me out
You're a real girl with your looks now baby
Girl you know you knock me out

*Summer bunnies drive me crazy
(repeat 4 times with ad libs)

[Verse 1]
1,2,3,4 it's time for me to jet
Where ya goin' off to?
The beach, that's a bet
It's summertime so it's time to get a summer bunny

Some of those and I won't call 'em whores
'Cause in the 90s you gotta respect the ladies
So step up to 'em and say, we love you sweet Sadie
That's how you get your true mock on but
Brothers be steppin' up poppin' that sad song

Hey don't I know you from somewhere?
Can we go somewhere to be alone?
I pull up in the lot, pop the trunks
Make their heads bob
And it's sunny so it's time to get a summer bunny


It's five o'clock and my voice code is 22
So beep, beep, beep, it's time for me to make a move
I'm on my way to a picnic, we got time
But I wanna be early, fool
So I can catch the new bunnies comin' in
Like the old school

Strollin' the block so I can check the scenery
The sun plays, the day is feelin' good to me
I can just semll the funky beats
You know the flavor in between the sheets

I told my boy Big Al, said just keep it straight
Said, I know I got a novelty to validate
So who's the bunny lookin' sweet like a honeycomb?
He said, "No my brother, you got to get your own"


This party is packed, word to the mother
I love it when there's three bunnies to one brother
And wine coolers is what I'm packin'
And when I get my buzz on is when I start bunny-jackin'

Jackin' fools for their bunnies
'Cause I'm the K, the E, the double L, the Y
They wanna get with me
And the PAs in the house
So check, check, check it out

My stomach is growlin' so it's time to get mine on
Some soul food, Kool Aid and you know it's on
I hate to eat and run but I'm out my homie
Been invited to a block party

So we roll up in all our style
With the brothers yellin', summer bunnies


Let's break it down -
You're lookin' feel good with your boots on, baby (3 times)


R. Kelly is a freaking mess and in light of his disturbing fascination with young girls (which has that even seen the light of day in court yet), I shouldn't be posting his lyrics. But damn was I not thinking of this song the other day.

The weather's getting nicer. And with that nice weather, folks are starting to shed their clothing. I was chatting with Eugene the other day and he was telling me how he can't help but admire the male students and how they're showing off their upper bodies with tight clothing. Every other minute this week it was like...'oooh this hunk this and oooh this hunk that'...*LOL*. He even gets to see them flex in front of him when they visit his office for class related stuff. I envy him in some respects because as a college professor, he has daily access to eye candy that I don't. I mean, don't get me wrong. About 3% of the male work population at my job are "eye candy" worthy. For example, there's this one tall latino faux-security guard in my building that I can't help but "feen" (I think that's a word...*LOL*) over. Luis looks so built in his uniform. We always greet each other when I leave the building and I swear at one point I thought he was trying to holler. I even made up an excuse to chat with Luis a few weeks back hoping for a spark. I got one of those stupid warning work parking tickets for taking up two spots. That was my opportunity. It was only a couple seconds of chatting but damn it was nice seeing him up close and I was so looking for a wedding ring...*LOL*. But I wouldn't take things any further Hemingway. Besides...I'm married....*LOL*. But Luis is the exception to a mostly ugh rule. Eugene has a larger selection to feast his eyes on.

But I'm looking forward to seeing the shirtless hunks jogging around my neighborhood. It's also nice seeing these guys as I'm going about doing my business. It's one of the things I look forward to when summer hits. I'm hoping that winter is officially over since you never know in Chicago.

Hemingway today's my office day. So I'm about to get ready for the job. Hope everyone has a Happy Friday. TGIF.

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Tuesday, April 22, 2008

B'more Random Musings

This past weekend, I was one of twelve bloggers who attended the first annual Blogger's Family Reunion. I was nervous about attending since despite my blogging for over three years, I felt I'd be the most unknown entity. I'm the only blogger of the twelve that has no form of identification on my blog. My initial reason for not disclosing my picture was fearing someone I know would recognize me and my gay secret would come out. After a while though, that fear was gone (especially when the ladies I came out to both said they knew) and I enjoyed the idea of hiding behind a cartoon. It mirrored my life perfectly. I'm the guy behind the scenes that is rarely noticed and is always trying to blend (not always successfully) with my surroundings. It's my preference since I tend to avoid a lot of drama (aside from my own manufactured drama) that way. Sometimes I'll try to be more adventurous and carefree but that's usually after cautiously weighing out the pros and cons.

I realized that by coming to Baltimore I would no longer be able to hide behind the cartoon. Sure some of my blog family has seen me before. But none of those visits were big planned events where lots of photos would be taken and posted on their blogs. I knew I wouldn't be able to stop that from happening. I wavered back and forth over whether I should go or not. But I decided to fuck it and just go. I knew it'd be great to meet everyone else and also visit the Baltimore area again. I used to live outside of Baltimore years ago before moving to Chicago. Of course I was young and naive back then and was in deep denial about my gayness. I wasn't doing much in the straight arena either. But that's for another entry. *LOL*.

I'm definitely glad I took Friday off since work has been ten kinds of stressful. I'm adjusting to a new project and manager and both have been challenging. Not to make light of women having babies but this project has bought moments when I wished I were nine months pregnant so I could take a three month leave.

So Hemingway I packed lightly (too lightly) and after Southwest's usual delays, eventually arrived in Baltimore around 4:50PM. The first blogger I met was Norris. Norris had the distinction (at that time) of being the only blogger of the remaining eleven that I've met personally when he visited Chicago. He was nice enough to pick me up from the airport and hook me up with a sweet hotel deal at Hammond Inn. (Unfortunately I had gone to hotwire and booked another hotel at Westin that I couldn't get my money back for. But I figured since I wouldn't be renting a car while in Baltimore and the deal I got wound up being about the price I'd pay for a rental Hemingway that it was all good.)

Norris dropped me off at my hotel and promptly went back to his hotel to take a nap. I stepped into my room and chilled for a bit. I chatted with Rock for a few minutes, who himself was at his Mom's place putting together her new Bose surround sound system while she was visiting her sister in Springfield. I was telling him how nice the room was and how I wished he could be with me. The room was even nicer than the one Rock and I stayed at when we visited St. Louis a couple weekends ago (I have to blog about that behind in blogging..thanks to my stressful job).

I received a text later from Norris telling me that Cocoa Rican was also staying at the Hammond and he gave me his room number to call. I promptly called his room, curious to chat with him. He didn't pick up however. I later learned that he was with Mr Jones getting all the party favors for the night.

I entertained myself with logging into my laptop and surfing the Net. Eugene called to shoot the breeze and we killed time talking about various topics until my stomach started to rumble. I told Eugene I needed to go find out when dinner was happening. I only had Rice Krispies cereal and Chex mix for food that day. I called Norris but he was still sleeping. I totally understood since he drove ten hours from Atlanta to be at the event. I realized that I would have to take matters into my own hands and made my way to the Harbor, which was only three short blocks from my hotel.

Figuring that we'd all go to dinner later, I simply bought a greasy pizza from S'barro's. I also beforehand stopped at The Gap for a t-shirt but balked that there weren't any real sales (even if they're perceived) to be had. As I finished up on the pizza, I got a call from Norris that he was getting ready to pick me up. I made my way back to the hotel and quickly showered and got dressed.

I met Norris outside in his car and he mentioned that we're also waiting for Cocoa Rican. The man himself eventually came and we greeted each other. My first impression of him was that he's short and fiery. I could definitely pick up on his New York accent, which made me think of The Nanny. I got the impression from his banter that he could be quite the character.

We later arrived at Homewood Suites and made our way to the 11th floor. We walked towards a corner suite and as were were arriving, a friend of Mr. Jones, Nia was leaving. I saw Mr Jones and another blogger (I assumed) that I didn't immediately recognize. I introduced myself and immediately went for some chips and I may have had a rum and cranberry. A question on where the other blogger was from led to conclude that Lauderdaleboi1500 (Andre) was in the house. My first impression of Andre was that he was a very friendly guy. He seemed to be in awe (like I was) of the guys in the room. He looked like he was about 18 and I held that assumption since I didn't recall him fixing a drink.

I enjoyed the variety of banter that mostly Norris, Cocoa, and Mr. Jones were giving. Nia soon came back as well. I was curious if we were still going to dinner but gave up on that idea when remembering that more guys were coming and it was hitting close to midnight (though truth I lost track of time).

Two more bloggers came into the mix, neither of whom I immediately recognized. I introduced myself to Joey Bahamas and j_shanlin (Jared). Joey was quite the fashion plate, appearing like he could walk the runway. Jared as I would learn was the youngest of the bunch and I swear I've read his blog before but couldn't find any comments from me. Jared was cute and goofy and his various antics were among the evening highlights. He later left to go get Promiscuous X, who I was mixing up with another "X" blogger (who's blog is defunct and replaced by another weird I guess he's not blogging anymore).

Then the guys termed as the "Jersey Crew" arrived. All three blogs I've recalled and I was excited to meet them, especially ShawnQT, who reminds me of a smaller Rock. I also remembered ShawnQT's better half Fuzzy and their friend Ty. Both Shawn and Fuzzy displayed a playful nature and I enjoyed seeing how they took care of each other. Ty came across as very level-headed and the brains of a successful corporation. Fuzzy made a comment that Ty and I dressed almost similarly and as I looked closer I realized that he did.

Jared returned with Promiscuous X. I think I responded to an entry he had mimicking the popular Who Wants To Be A Millionaire game. He straight up had the dl-thug look going for him. He did exude a certain swagger about him and it was cool seeing him interact with the rest of the crew.

Eventually the last of the bloggers, Darius, showed up. It was cool finally meeting since we've talked of meeting in our hometown but never materialized.

The conversations ranged from different experiences certain bloggers were going through to the numerous clubs that bloggers have gone to. As one of only two older bloggers (I won't reveal the other one...*LOL*), I felt a bit old and behind the times of the twenty-something majority. Of course I know you're only as old as you feel.

I was extra excited seeing snippets of a couple reruns of Half & Half. I "let that be the reason" I named my blog Half & Half, Tit & Tit. It made me angry again remembering how the show got killed before its time. I can only hope they release the entire series on DVD eventually. It might take another twenty years, though.

It got quite loud at different points of the evening and I started wondering when we'd get the knock or phone call from hotel security telling us to keep it down. But neither came and it was hilarious seeing Mr. Jones remind everyone to use their "inside voices" every fifteen minutes and then proceed to be just as loud. Guess in our group it was the only way to be heard. That could explain why I wasn't heard...*LOL*.

It was close to the witching hour (actually way past it) and we needed to decide as a group what was happening tomorrow. Mr. Jones suggested we all get together at noon for a "communal breakfast".

It was 12:30 PM on Saturday when the first group got together. It comprised of Mr Jones, Norris, Cocoa, Andre, Darius, and myself. After a debate between eating out and buying breakfast foods, it was decided to do the latter. So the six of us walked a couple blocks to where Mr. Jones parked his rental. We drove to a "Whole Foods" like store (can't remember the name) where we proceeded to buy eggs, breakfast sausage, bacon, OJ, and potatoes and Darius picked up a few extra things that he felt would make breakfast complete.

Before arriving back at the hotel, Mr. Jones got a call from the other blogger half stating that they were at the hotel. We arrived a little bit after 2PM. There was a bit of debate over who'd cook breakfast but Fuzzy immediately stepped up to the task. I went searching for pots and only found one so Norris went down to the front for some more. Eventually I quietly stepped up and with Fuzzy's assist turned on the portable grill and cooked all the sausage and bacon. I'm proud to say that I didn't burn any of the bacon...*LOL*. I texted Rock afterwards and told him that I owed him a cooked breakfast. Fuzzy cut up some potatoes and onions and cooked those up to rave reviews.

We then spent the afternoon watching the Phoenix Suns against the San Antonio Spurs. Ty mentioned having a crush on Tim Duncan but nobody else was really feeling him. He'll be happy to know that the Spurs beat the Suns 117-115 in double overtime. Of course the discussion centered on the difference between straight men watching the game versus gay men, with the latter instead of focusing on gameplay and scoring focusing on asses and who got the sharpest look.

It was decided to meet back in Homewood around 8:30PM and head out for dinner. I had just enough time to run back to the Harbor to pick up a couple t-shirts and some socks. We wound up going to Burger King's instead where I was forced to buy a Whopper (mostly cause I was hungry...*LOL*). Norris was nice enough to get me a wrap from McDonald's earlier that I was hoping would tide me up for a real sit-down dinner. We got that sit down dinner but little did I know that sit-down wouldn't happen until 3AM...*LOL*.

The game plan was originally to go to a club that I can't recall the name. We wound up not getting in due to Jared being so young. ShawnQT cracked me up with his description of the guys being too "DC looking" (or something like that). I took it to mean ugly and I got that confirmation when I asked him how many drinks it'd take to make them attractive and Shawn said none. I was pleasantly surprised when Fuzzy gave me his phone and it was Soldier. I had forgotten that Soldier was friends with Fuzzy and ShawnQT. Soldier was basically checking in with me to make sure I was having fun. It was totally cool hearing from him.

We wound up going to a sports bar thanks to the suggestion of Joey Bahamas. He wound up having a hook up there who made sure we had our drink on. I was even surprised when my glass had an "E" shaped piece of ice on it, which I had Ty capture in his still shots. I swear it was a sign from above. Ohhh...I guess you might see a picture or two of me in there as well....*LOL*.

Joey Bahamas came to the rescue again suggesting a great 24-hour breakfast diner spot. By then, though, I was thinking that my early morning flight wasn't sure a great idea. I was just hoping that I wouldn't fall asleep and miss my flight. I was feeling a bit cranky by then and it showed. But the morning picked up when a drag version of my favorite character on Half & Half BDD made an appearance. He even had an entourage of really hot B-boys around him. I would've said something but luckily the rest of the crew interacted and I believe Mr. Darius managed to capture a picture of him in his stills (among other pictures). I swear that put a smile on my face and eventually my hunger returned as Joey made suggestions on what to order.

My medium-well steak turned out perfect, though Darius and Mr. Jones's similar ordered steaks weren't to their liking. Luckily things were eventually fixed to their satisfaction and eventually we exited the restaurant.

By the time we got back it was after 5:30AM. Knowing that I might oversleep, I sent Rock a text around 2AM telling him to call me at 5AM his time (6AM mine) to wake me up. He wound up calling just as I was exiting Mr. Jones car. I chatted with him as Cocoa and I made our way to our respective rooms.

I wound up staying up since I didn't want to risk falling asleep. The original plan was to have Norris drop me at the airport but since Norris needed to drop different folks off himself and had the pleasure of driving ten hours back to ATL, I told him not to worry about it. I had the hotel call me a taxi and by 7AM I had checked out and made my way to BWI.

That ended my adventures in Baltimore.

I smiled a bit reading a few recollections of the weekend and how I was perceived (or not perceived at all...*LOL*) by a few bloggers. For the most part, I am a low key individual. I enjoyed listening to everyone banter and occasionally when asked, throwing a few words or two. I just am not an overly animated person that needs to be heard (and actually when I did speak I couldn't be heard anyway...*LOL*) or perform antics to get noticed. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just not my thing. When things got really loud, I definitely wasn't up for shouting myself. I was too worried about the people trying to sleep in the other rooms around us...*LOL*. And the fact that I wasn't shouting or performing antics wound up getting me noticed anyway. Promiscuous X a couple times came up to me asking how come I wasn't speaking and at times seeming shocked when I did. Mr. Jones and to a lesser extent Cocoa (except on his assessment of me on his blog...*LOL*) also kept checking to make sure I was okay. But I was just fine. If nothing else, Norris and I from time to time nonverbally communicated with each other in between his own antics with the group...*LOL*.

Sigh...back to work hell. I so need to play the lottery.

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Saturday, April 12, 2008

Freak of Nature

I promise I'll blog soon. Just feeling a bit lazy. In the meantime this pic caught my eye in a scary way. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Discuss among yourselves...:-)


Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Three Years Later

Today marks the third anniversary of my blog. It's amazing that I've made it to the three year mark. It's not my longest relationship. That title currently belongs to my job. But it's one of my most fruitful. Where else can I go to express my deepest craziest thoughts? I mean I can tell folks but they'll call me crazy. Well some of my visitors have called me crazy but it's less of a sting on paper. Almost.

Here's a compilation of the top 5 experiences I've blogged about that gave my readers cause to question my sanity.

#5) I had drunken unprotected sex with a perfect stranger.

#4) I contemplated literally mailing my heart to Rock.

#3) I risked getting eaten alive by Star Jones.

#2) I lived on a diet of lemonade, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and water. (And then did it three more times.)

....And the Number 1 entry that had readers calling me crazy.

#1) I paid a visit to Chad, who was deemed certifiable by the majority. (Plus the title was crazy.)

The year is still young. So I'm sure there'll be plenty more crazy things that will happen. Hell something crazy may happen when I visit Baltimore in a couple weeks. It'll definitely be a chance to interact with some of my fellow bloggers. You all know if anything crazy happens that it'll go right here. I might not post it right away but eventually it'll get a mention.