Wednesday, December 29, 2010

How It Is Done

Hey Ladynay, thanks for still checking me out even after my six month hiatus...*LOL*. I was waiting to see if I'd get any reaction. :-)

I'm actually off from work today and back in Chicago. My work life has been hell at the company I've been vowing to leave since 2006...*LOL*. I've fallen a bit off the gym track and am doing my best to maintain myself though January is near and I may do another cleanse. My love life has consisted of hot sex with an occasional FWB who's deep in the closet and a few dates and hookups with other guys, nothing significant though I long to find boyfriend #2. Maybe 2011 is the year.

Hemingway (classic...*LOL*) now I'm going to do something I haven't done in ages. Give a blow by blow account of an event that recently happened. I'm referring to my coming out to my parents on the 24th.

The day started innocently enough. Fast forward to 12:30PM. It's Day 3 in Detroit at my parents' crib. My Dad's sitting by his laptop playing spider solitaire and listening to the radio. My Mom's laying on the sofa watching CNN and I'm sitting in a chair not far from her at the dining room table texting.

So I'm texting with Eugene, who's also in Detroit visiting his family, about his recent high school reunion that he attended. Of course he's rambling on and on about how everyone there was telling him how young he looks. I started strumming to myself the bars to Beyonce's Ego (god...I imagine she has a huge one too....*LOL*). His date for the evening wasn't feeling all the comments from his classmates from what he said.

My Mom sees me texting and asks me with whom I'm texting. I love my Mom but sometimes she's too nosey for her own good. And yeah I guess Mamas are like that. I sighed and told her it wasn't anyone she knew. That of course didn't stop my Mom. She asked me if I was texting a "special friend".

(It didn't help that moments before CNN was once again talking about the repeal of the discriminatory military practice of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' that finally received approval from the House and Senate and was signed into law by Obama.)

I was in shock but only for a moment. If I were a more direct person, I would ask her what she meant by "special friend". But I knew exactly what she meant. No explanation required. I told her no it's not a special friend. That wasn't enough of course for my Mom. She dug deeper and asked me if I was seeing anyone. I got up from my seat and told her I wasn't seeing anyone and made a beeline for my bedroom (well the guestroom....*LOL*).

A wave of emotions was coming over me. I texted about this recent exchange to Eugene. He asked me what she meant by "special friend" and then was amazed my Mom knew about texting. My Mom is not into texting or using the computer but obviously she knows when someone's doing it. I then told Eugene that I would need to tell my parents officially that I'm gay but would wait until the day after Christmas as to not spoil the holiday.

Eugene asked me what I was going to tell my Mom and I said I'm going to tell both my parents that I'm gay and dating but don't have anyone special. The weight of what I was contemplating doing came over me and I started to cry. Luckily since I was texting Eugene, he had no idea I was doing so.

I mourned again the hopes and dreams that my parents may have had of me one day getting married (to a girl...*LOL*) and starting a family. I mourned that I didn't have a special guy in my life that I could tell them I was seeing. I worried that I would be seen as a failure by my parents.

My Mom came knocking on my door asking me if I was okay. I did my best to swallow my tears and told her I was fine. I didn't hear her walking away so I went and opened the door. She wasn't by my door but was in the back kitchen. I walked towards her and she asked me again if I was okay. She was looking out the window and not directly at me.

I was still wiping the tears from my eyes telling her I was fine. But I lost it and started crying again. She turned around and looked like she was about to cry to but instead she asked if she made me upset asking about any "special friends". I lied and said no but the tears wouldn't stop. I then hugged her and repeatedly said 'Im sorry.'

My Mom shooed my apology and had a smile on her face. She asked if I had a boyfriend directly and I told her no but yes I'm gay. She told me that she knew and just wanted me to say it. She displayed a strength that was hiding under her Parkinson's Disease ailment and told me to go to my Dad. With one hand she touched my hands and the other she wrapped around my waist as we took the longest walk towards the living room.

With each step I kept thinking it's finally over. I hoped my Dad's reaction would be as good as my Mom's. Honestly my Mom surprised me the most since she's so 'black and white' about things and I imagined she'd have a more difficult time about it. But on the other hand my parents I'm sure had lots of discussions about me in private and likely she's had more than enough time to accept the reality, hence her relentless pursuit of the truth. She didn't want another moment obviously of knowing but not receiving my confirmation.

My Dad, aside from any disappointments that his #1 son (his only son) was gay, I felt would have a better grasp of the situation and come to terms to it sooner. As far as personality, my Dad has done a complete 180. Whereas in my childhood he was stern and downright scary, my new Dad over the years has become friendlier, approachable, and downright emotional.

My Mom and I reached the living room and she told him that I was crying. He turned around, looked at me, and immediately started crying himself as he told me that they've known about me and no matter what, they still love and care about me. They just wanted to know what was going on with me since I never talk about my love life and the last girl I bought over to the house was in 2001.

He was still crying and I went up and hugged him. Then he started talking about his own experiences about how folks at our Church actually thought he was gay since he hadn't seriously been seeing any women prior to my Mom. But he told me that at the time he knew that he ultimately wanted to marry a woman from the Caribbean similar to himself, which is exactly what he did. I recounted the teasing I had gotten growing up sans my molestation story. He rambled a bit more but I heard all I needed to hear when he said that they still loved and cared about me.

And then it was over. We later went back to our normal routines and my fear of Christmas being ruined didn't come to pass. My only question now is who'll be the lucky guy that'll get to meet my parents someday.

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Friday, December 24, 2010

It Is Done

It officially happened around 1:30PM EST. The moment I've been building on for several years now. A moment I was nervous as hell about but knew had to happen sooner or later. A moment that drove me at one point to write a letter.

It is done now.

Merry X-Mas everyone!!!