Wednesday, July 23, 2008

R.I.P. Estelle

I was working out Tuesday night at my work gym and was shocked to see the streaming news on CNN announce Golden Girl Estelle Getty passing away at 84. I wasn't shocked in the sense that she passed. Estelle was sick for a very long time with Lewy Body Dementia. Estelle was also a big supporter of gay rights from what I've heard. It was indeed sad to hear of her passing. But if nothing else, she's in peace now.

I spent tonight consoling Eugene and Rock, who both stated Sophia was their favorite character. We were reminiscing over some of her best one-liners on the show. Remember these?

Sophia had quite a few fart jokes:

"Oh, I thought I was safe backed up against these pillows."

"Hey! Who told you to feed me cabbage?"

"That was me, and thank you for calling it to everyone's attention!"

Zingers on Blanche:

Blanche: "I think I'm going to sit in the tub with just enough water to cover my perky bosoms."
Sophia: "You're only gonna sit in an inch of water??"

Blanche: "...Sophia."
Blanche's Date: "You must be Blanche's sister."
Sophia: "You must be blind."

Blanche: "I'm gorgeous. I'm going to have to meet men lying down."
Sophia: "I thought you did."

Blanche: "I'm abhorred."
Sophia: "We know what you are Blanche. I'm glad to finally hear you admit it."
Blanche: "Sophia, I said abhorred."
Sophia: "Abhorred. A slut. A tramp. It's all the same thing."

Zingers on Rose:
Rose: "He's a very heavy sleeper!"
Sophia: "You could light firecrackers in his nose, he still wouldn't wake up!!!"

Sophia: 'You know Rose, I'm really enjoying this. You and I having a quiet cup of coffee together."
Rose: "Me too Sophia. Because you know-"
Sophia: "I said quiet."

Dorothy: "You don't get cramps once a month. You don't go on eating binges once a month. You don't get crazy once a month."
Sophia: "You just grow a beard!"
Rose: "I never grew a beard!"
Sophia: "You never grew brains, either!"

Rose: "Dorothy's the smart one, Blanche is the sexy one and Sophia, you're the old one, and I'm the nice one. Everybody always likes me."
Sophia: "The old one isn't so crazy about you!

Zingers on Dorothy:
Dorothy: "I don't want two grown men fighting over me."
Sophia: "Pussycat, how many chances are you going to get?"
Dorothy: "Proceed."

Sophia: "Dorothy, when was the last time you had sex?"
Dorothy: 'That's a very personal question."
Sophia: "That long, huh?"

Dorothy: "We are not jealous, Ma. We are angry. You left us sitting in jail."
Sophia: "Jealousy is a very ugly thing, Dorothy. And so are you in anything backless?"

Dorothy: "If I had lived with Stan before we got married, I could've spared us both some very painful times...and a bitter divorce."
Sophia: "And possibly had given birth to reasonably attractive children."

Sophia: "What the hell are you doing home? I thought you had a 4 o'clock beauty parlor appointment."
Dorothy: "I did. They finished with me early."
Sophia: "On Christie Brinkley they can finish early. You need every minute you can spare."

Rest in Peace, Estelle. Your body of work on the Golden Girls will live on.

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Monday, July 21, 2008

Sag Drag

I've always cracked up whenever shopping with my Mom at Sears and seeing a huge line of clothes with the label Sag Harbor. Apparently that label sells a lot of apparel. But with the stigma of having saggy breasts, I'm surprised they sell as much as they do with such a name. Sag Harbor's been around for a while, though, so I guess women are able to look past the corny name.

Hemingway having a sag may be a thing of the past in the Chicago suburb of Lynwood. The village of Lynwood passed an ordinance fining folks who show three inches or more of their underwear in public $25.

The ordinance has already caused controversy. The ACLU says it unfairly targets young men of color.

I don't know if that's necesarily true. I've seen plenty of young white men with their draws sticking out. I never understood the appeal but then again I'm 35 going on 36.

I read the news this morning and thought it was an interesting topic. Does this law infringe upon basic rights? Does passing this law put Lynwood one step closer to passing another ordinance telling folks what they actually have to wear?

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Thursday, July 10, 2008

To Be 60 And Gay

I got back an hour ago from meeting this older guy for dinner. I still have an account on A4A and whenever I can hold a guy's interest, I like just chatting and stuff. So Hemingway a 60 year old traveling salesman hit me up Monday night with the illicit message...'like older guys? nearby hotel - here.' I basically told STS thanks but no thanks. I felt a bit bad so the next morning I sent him a message telling him if he wasn't able to get some other action that I could meet him for dinner that night. STS mentioned that he was actually traveling in other parts of Chicago later that morning and wouldn't be in my neck of the woods. He tried doing the whole 'let's meet for coffee before going to work' jazz but I was going in that morning in the opposite direction so that was a no go. He mentioned possibly being back in my area on Thursday but likely not. I was like, cool whatever.

So I'm working from home today and after logging in to A4A he sends me a message saying he's back and if I wanted to meet him for dinner or drinks. I didn't have any plans so I was like sure. My plan was simply to have a nice dinner and a quick dinner. We wound up going to Big Bowl in Schaumburg, which was quite crowded. As a result we wound up just sitting at the bar.

Just as I arrived there, it was storming a bit and the rain was coming down. I called STS to see if he was there yet. He was basically pulling into the parking lot when I called. I happen to be sitting in my parked car and I saw what looked like an older guy getting out of a Volkswagon. So I made a run for it in the restaurant. We shook hands and quickly made our way to the bar. He was every bit his 60 years. He may have even been 62. We chatted for a quick minute before he wound up taking a fifteen minute call with someone (likely planning a future rendezvous). If this were a "date" date, I would've been pissed. But since I was just meeting to hang out, it was all good. The only annoying parts were every time I said something, he'd go 'pardon me'. So I had to repeat myself. Every single time. That got old fast.

So towards the end of dinner, I was ready to go home. But he asked if I wanted to stay for a drink and against my better judgment I did. It wasn't that anything bad happened. But STS decided to go for the kill and ask me if I wanted to go back to his hotel with him. I politely declined. He then lamented about dating being an older gay guy.

It is true that gays are a fickle bunch and ageism is alive and well. I was reminded of all the bad dates and non-dates due to game players that I had prior to meeting Rock and could totally relate...aside from the age factor. He then mentioned that he was actually married with two grown kids and he uses his job as his chance to satisfy his urges with men but with his age it's harder and harder to do so.

STS's being married aside, I kind of felt for him. After I left and drove home, it hit home that if I live long enough, I too will one day become 60. Shocking, huh? I'd love to think that Rock and I will be together forever but I'm a realist and know the odds are definitely stacked against us. So one day I could be STS and face the same hurdles he's facing. And he reminded me that the sexual desire doesn't diminish with age (at least in the 60s that is...the 70s, who knows...though I do remember my Grandma - lord rest her soul - having a gentleman caller well into her 70s). I can only imagine now when men and women in their 60s and 70s look at younger folks, they may be mentally undressing them with their eyes. Scary thought...even scarier thinking one day being on the other side of that equation.

So that got me thinking about the future of 'virtual sex'. Sure there's cyber sex and phone sex currently. But maybe 'virtual sex' where you can put on a pair of goggles and visualize the ideal man or woman specimen and having them do whatever you want may become a reality. It would help curtail the current trouble of hooking up. At least I'd like to hope such a reality exists by the time I become 60 (in 2032).

I wonder if I'll still be blogging in 2032. Maybe there will be another form of expressing oneself. Who knows? And speaking of blogs, of course there's a blog out there that focuses on the future of virtual sex. Interesting stuff.

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Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Back off Biatch!

I got this interesting article from Rock who in turn got it from one of Yahoo's bulletin boards. Apparently NBA star Doug Christie nearly choked to death over the weekend in front of a large crowd of people because his wife wouldn't let a woman doctor near him to save his life. Here's more details from the article. Talk about crazy. Both husband and wife sound as nutty as they come. Sometimes you just can't make this shit up.

SACRAMENTO--Jackie Christie, wife of NBA star Doug Christie, refused to let a female doctor save her husband's life Saturday when he nearly choked to death during a dinner at the Pilothouse Restaurant in Sacramento . Christie frantically screamed for a doctor after her husband began gagging on a chicken bone, but when Clarissa Jordan, a 41-year-old female doctor, rushed to his aid, Christie grew agitated. She reportedly told Jordan t o "back off" even as Doug's face turned purple and his breath came out in short, labored gasps.

Bystanders watched in horror as Jackie Christie calmly waited for a male patron to save her husband's life. Luckily, Sanjay Mehta, a local medical student who was sitting at the bar in an adjacent room, was able to apply the Heimlich maneuver just in time to avert a tragedy. The chicken bone came up, and Jackie defended her decision not to let a female doctor save her husband.

"Miss Clarissa Jordan, or whatever her name is, came running over like a poodle in heat," said Christie. "I could tell she was lusting after my husband, which is why I wouldn't let her near him. Sure, she's a doctor, but that's a great way to get her little tongue down my husband's throat. Believe me, I'm no fool. Plus, m y husband would never want a female doctor saving his life. He'd feel too guilty having another woman lay her hands on him. He'd rather die. I'm sure of it."

Bystanders reported that Christie was not satisfied to simply wave Jordan away. Instead, she began beating the woman with her purse until the horrified doctor fled in terror. Christie said those claims were exaggerated, but did admit to "getting physical with her."

"I wouldn't say I beat her that hard. I just was trying to deter her from her ultimate goal of having sex with my dying husband," said Christie. "Yes, I hit her a couple time with my purse, but I had to. The woman was relentless! She kept saying 'He's going to die! He's going to die!' And I was like 'Whatever, bitch. Keep your hands to yourself.'"

After Jordan fled the scene, another female attempted to call 9-1-1, but she, too, was thwarted by Jackie Christie. The women, 29-year-old waitress Cheryl Malcolm, insisted that she was just trying to help.

"After that woman [Jordan] got beat up, I realized Doug was still choking," she said. "So I ran over, grabbed my cell phone and started dialing 9-1-1. Then [Christie] slapped the phone out of my hand and told me to mind my business and stop looking at her husband like that. I had no idea what she was talking about. I would never look at that guy in a sexual way. Gross."

After Malcolm was turned away, it looked like the end for Doug Christie. The Kings forward lay in a heap on the floor, his face bulging and red, his fists clenched, and his throat clogged with a large chicken bone, while Jackie sat with her arms folded and waited.

"I don't know the Heimlich maneuver or anything like that, so I didn't want to try anything that would hurt my baby," said Christie. "I was getting a little nervous, especially when his eyes started bulging out of his head, but I knew if I waited long enough, some guy would come along and save him. If not, Doug would have been killed. But it's Ok. I made him promise to come back and haunt me after he dies."

Dr. Mehta was summoned into the room by a frantic patron who witnessed the choking. After he administered the Heimlich to Christie, he noted that if another moment had passed, Doug would've surely perished.

"I am extremely surprised that this man's wife did now allow Miss Jordan to save his life," said Mehta. "If another minute had gone by, he would surely be dead. In my country, this mad woman would have her hands cut off and her vagina sewn shut."

After being revived, Doug hugged his wife and breathed a sigh of relief. He thanked Dr. Mehta for saving his life, and recalled the final moments before he was rescued.

"Whew, that was a close call," said Christie, wiping the sweat off his brow. "I actually saw scenes from my life flashing by. The funny thing was that my wife was in all of the scenes, even the ones from my childhood before I met her. She was just there in the background with her arms folded, shaking her head disapprovingly. Huh. I bet a shrink would have a field day with that one, huh? A male shrink, of course."

After thanking Dr.. Mehta, Christie also offered some words of gratitude to his wife.

"Although I am glad to be alive, I'm equally glad that my wife spared me the indignity of having another woman give me the Heimlich," he continued. "That would've been catastrophic. Even if I had lived, what kind of life what that have been, knowing that I looked at, and briefly touched, another woman? I guess it would be kind of a normal life, actually. Anyway, that's the last time I ever eat chicken."

In order to avoid future incidents like the one that took place at the Pilothouse, the Christies have decided never to eat in a public place again.

"There's a lot of danger to eating in public," said Doug. "The outside world is fraught with peril. You never know, you could be sitting there eating, minding your business, and a chicken bone could get lodged in your throat causing you to need assistance from a female doctor or paramedic. Don't laugh. It happened to us, and it could happen to you."