Star Wars - Part II
"As I mentioned in my last entry, in order to spare me a fate worse than death, I told Star Jones I would interview her and it would appear in the Chicago Times. So the next morning, she sent Jabari over with a list of demands. I viewed the list after getting busy again with Jabari. It was hot. Real hot. Nice lips. Cool name. I love that name. Ja-bar-ee. Ja-bar-ee.Ohh...back to, yeah, her. Star's list included the following:
- Three trays of buffalo wings. One with mild sauce, one with extra spicy sauce, one with bbq sauce.
- Two cases of Diet Coke. (Because I'm on a diet.)
- An entire Red Velvet Cake.
- An entire Boston Creme Pie.
- A tray of shrimp scampi.
- 3 orders each of shrimp fried rice, bbq ribs, angel hair pasta, and brown rice.
- 5 bottles of Courvoisier (chilled).
- 5 bottles of Cristal (chilled).
- 10 large silver plates with matching sterling silverware.
- 10 smaller silver dessert plates with matching sterling silverware.
- 10 crystal champagne glasses.
- 2 canisters of Tums.
- 3 male exotic dancers (for entertainment).
I immediately called Star. Well after dropping the list and playing around again with Jabari. (Heh.) I said, 'Look Star, there's no humanly possible way that even you could eat all that food on the list."
"Well, E. If those demands aren't met, then the interview is off."
(Once again, I had to think quick on my feet.) "I, ummm, gave your list to the Chicago Tribune, I mean Chicago Times, and you know what they said. They decided to donate all the items you requested, minus the exotic dancers, to a local homeless shelter. They figured it would be good publicity for you to mention it in the paper."
"Hmmm. I like how the Times thinks. That's what I'm talking about. I bet a sista thought about that idea."
"Ummm, yeah. Nothing can get past you Star. (E rolls his eyes before continuing.) So how about since we've donated the items, we just do the interview over the phone? Like now. I have things to do. I'm sure you do to. That way you can enjoy all the fine foods I know you have in the house."
"Yeah, whatever."
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The transcript to our phone interview is presented below. Enjoy!
E: "Ok Star. I will begin the interview after I say the words 'biscuits and gravy'. Got that?"
Star: "Mmmm. I love me my Mama's biscuits."
E: "Buscuits and gravy."
Star: "I don't mind if I do."
E: "Too easy. Hemingway. Your book. That one that came out last year. I think, right? Something about needing physical, spiritual, ummm, I think emotional. Something about those being critical to trapping a man. Am I right?"
Star: "Did you even read my book?"
E: "Of course I did."
Star: "What's the title then?"
E: "Hey. I'm the one asking the questions here. And here's the book for our readers so they can go out and get it."
Star: "Are you showing the readers the right book?"
E: "Of course. Don't be silly. Speaking of Joy Behar..."
Star: "Who the fuck's speaking about that old cow?"
E: "So it's true? You and Joy are currently feuding?"
Star (Talking thru her teeth.): "Joy and I get along famously."
"That's not what my sources tell me. There was the time you were being Bridezilla and got into an altercation because Joy had a mini-camera at your wedding. Then there was the time you fought about religion on the show."Star: "We have different opinions but outside the show, we get along well."
E: "Your wedding? Are you saying that was a show?"
Star: (Something inaudible)
E: "Give me the first word that comes to mind as I name one of your co-hosts."
Star: "Okay."
E: "Meredith." ---- Star: "Intoxicating." ---- E: "Joy." ---- Star: "Laughable."
E: "Elisabeth." ---- Star: "Special." ---- E: "Barbara." ---- Star: "Phenomenal."
E: "How would you describe yourself?"
"I'm a Babe In Total Control of Herself. A true Bitch."
E: "Ummm, cute. Does Al call you that?"
Star: "He better not if he knows what's good for him."
E: "So that AOL gig? You're a love expert now. How did that come about?"
Star: "I'd rather not say. It's just a honor to be able to share my love experiences with the world. Everyone needs that help. They should know if Star can do it, then they can do it too."
E: "So all of us would like to know. Does Al lay it on you down low in the sack?"
Star: "I will not answer that question."
E: "So the sex isn't great?"
Star: "Of course it's great. It completes me. He's my soulmate."
E: "Your anniversary recently passed. Congrats. Many didn't give you six months."
Star: "Shows what those people know. Al and I will be together forever."
E: "As long as Whitney and Bobby?"
Star: "Longer."
E: "Ok. So why did E! choose not renew your contract?"
Star: "I chose not to renew it. I have a national blitz tour planned for my new book Shine: A Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual Journey to Finding Love. My tour would've conflicted with any commitments I would need with E!"
"Wow. That really sounds exciting. (Not!) So you still don't want to fess up to having stomach staples?"Star: "How I lost over 150 pounds is none of your business. I choose not to endorse any one particular method."
E: "That's odd since you're putting all your other business out in the street. So are you not endorsing your chosen medical intervention because noone's paying you to do so?
Star: "I will not dignify that question with a response."
E: "So let's end this thing. Any last words you want to share with the audience."