Sunday, January 08, 2006

Star Wars - Part II

"As I mentioned in my last entry, in order to spare me a fate worse than death, I told Star Jones I would interview her and it would appear in the Chicago Times. So the next morning, she sent Jabari over with a list of demands. I viewed the list after getting busy again with Jabari. It was hot. Real hot. Nice lips. Cool name. I love that name. Ja-bar-ee. Ja-bar-ee.

Ohh...back to, yeah, her. Star's list included the following:

  • Three trays of buffalo wings. One with mild sauce, one with extra spicy sauce, one with bbq sauce.
  • Two cases of Diet Coke. (Because I'm on a diet.)
  • An entire Red Velvet Cake.
  • An entire Boston Creme Pie.
  • A tray of shrimp scampi.
  • 3 orders each of shrimp fried rice, bbq ribs, angel hair pasta, and brown rice.
  • 5 bottles of Courvoisier (chilled).
  • 5 bottles of Cristal (chilled).
  • 10 large silver plates with matching sterling silverware.
  • 10 smaller silver dessert plates with matching sterling silverware.
  • 10 crystal champagne glasses.
  • 2 canisters of Tums.
  • 3 male exotic dancers (for entertainment).
I knew I was going to need some Tums after reading that list. If the food wasn't outrageous enough, she wanted male exotic dancers. Who orders dancers for an interview? Was Al making an appearance?

I immediately called Star. Well after dropping the list and playing around again with Jabari. (Heh.) I said, 'Look Star, there's no humanly possible way that even you could eat all that food on the list."

"Well, E. If those demands aren't met, then the interview is off."

(Once again, I had to think quick on my feet.) "I, ummm, gave your list to the Chicago Tribune, I mean Chicago Times, and you know what they said. They decided to donate all the items you requested, minus the exotic dancers, to a local homeless shelter. They figured it would be good publicity for you to mention it in the paper."

"Hmmm. I like how the Times thinks. That's what I'm talking about. I bet a sista thought about that idea."

"Ummm, yeah. Nothing can get past you Star. (E rolls his eyes before continuing.) So how about since we've donated the items, we just do the interview over the phone? Like now. I have things to do. I'm sure you do to. That way you can enjoy all the fine foods I know you have in the house."

"Yeah, whatever."

The transcript to our phone interview is presented below. Enjoy!

E: "Ok Star. I will begin the interview after I say the words 'biscuits and gravy'. Got that?"

Star: "Mmmm. I love me my Mama's biscuits."

E: "Buscuits and gravy."

Star: "I don't mind if I do."

E: "Too easy. Hemingway. Your book. That one that came out last year. I think, right? Something about needing physical, spiritual, ummm, I think emotional. Something about those being critical to trapping a man. Am I right?"

Star: "Did you even read my book?"

E: "Of course I did."

Star: "What's the title then?"

E: "Hey. I'm the one asking the questions here. And here's the book for our readers so they can go out and get it."

Star: "Are you showing the readers the right book?"

E: "Of course. Don't be silly. Speaking of Joy Behar..."

Star: "Who the fuck's speaking about that old cow?"

E: "So it's true? You and Joy are currently feuding?"

Star (Talking thru her teeth.): "Joy and I get along famously."

"That's not what my sources tell me. There was the time you were being Bridezilla and got into an altercation because Joy had a mini-camera at your wedding. Then there was the time you fought about religion on the show."

Star: "We have different opinions but outside the show, we get along well."

E: "Your wedding? Are you saying that was a show?"

Star: (Something inaudible)

E: "Give me the first word that comes to mind as I name one of your co-hosts."

Star: "Okay."

E: "Meredith." ---- Star: "Intoxicating." ---- E: "Joy." ---- Star: "Laughable."

E: "Elisabeth." ---- Star: "Special." ---- E: "Barbara." ---- Star: "Phenomenal."

E: "How would you describe yourself?"

"I'm a Babe In Total Control of Herself. A true Bitch."

E: "Ummm, cute. Does Al call you that?"

Star: "He better not if he knows what's good for him."

E: "So that AOL gig? You're a love expert now. How did that come about?"

Star: "I'd rather not say. It's just a honor to be able to share my love experiences with the world. Everyone needs that help. They should know if Star can do it, then they can do it too."

E: "So all of us would like to know. Does Al lay it on you down low in the sack?"

Star: "I will not answer that question."

E: "So the sex isn't great?"

Star: "Of course it's great. It completes me. He's my soulmate."

E: "Your anniversary recently passed. Congrats. Many didn't give you six months."

Star: "Shows what those people know. Al and I will be together forever."

E: "As long as Whitney and Bobby?"

Star: "Longer."

E: "Ok. So why did E! choose not renew your contract?"

Star: "I chose not to renew it. I have a national blitz tour planned for my new book Shine: A Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual Journey to Finding Love. My tour would've conflicted with any commitments I would need with E!"

"Wow. That really sounds exciting. (Not!) So you still don't want to fess up to having stomach staples?"

Star: "How I lost over 150 pounds is none of your business. I choose not to endorse any one particular method."

E: "That's odd since you're putting all your other business out in the street. So are you not endorsing your chosen medical intervention because noone's paying you to do so?

Star: "I will not dignify that question with a response."

E: "So let's end this thing. Any last words you want to share with the audience."

"Yes there is. I just want to let everyone out there to know that they can acheive all of their dreams too. Buy my book because it gives you step by step instructions to living a happier life. I am so happy. I am so complete. I am, simply put, a Star. You can too. Buy my book. Buy it now. It'll be the best $25 you ever spent. I promise."

E: "Alrighty then. Thanks Star for sharing that. And ummm, thanks for granting this interview. Bye."


"Star is gonna flip out when she finds out I don't work for the Chicago Times. I hope you all enjoyed the (mock) interview. It's now back to my regular scheduled life. PEACE!"



Blogger Jamal K. Franklin said...

Yea, so you have waaay too much time on your hands!


12:40 AM, January 09, 2006  
Blogger *Madosi said...

As promised, new blog name, new look and even new profile pic … check it out:

8:56 AM, January 09, 2006  
Blogger Cash S. said...

lol, that was too funny!

12:49 PM, January 09, 2006  
Blogger ProfessorGQ said...

Star is going to beat you with her wig. LOL

3:52 PM, January 09, 2006  
Blogger Essequibo said... are a nut, E.

9:15 PM, January 09, 2006  
Blogger Harold Gibson said...

E--Man you've gone mad. You've lost your plumb mind and this post was funny but Star is going to get you bloggers but good.

9:16 PM, January 09, 2006  
Blogger *Madosi said...

you have lost ur damn mind boi ... lol

good interview, simply entertaining!

9:11 AM, January 10, 2006  
Blogger "N" Search of Ecstasy said...

LMAO....I love reading your blog cause you are always so damn funny!

9:23 PM, January 10, 2006  
Blogger No4real4real said...

leave that woman alone...LOL

10:24 PM, January 10, 2006  
Blogger Jamal K. Franklin said...

How about what's funny is that no one but folks from Chicago know what mild sauce is...


12:02 PM, January 11, 2006  
Blogger M-Dubb said...

That was hilarious. The best part for me was reading it and seeing that God-awful pic near it...

And, uh, I know what mild sauce is - and I'm from Detroit!

3:51 PM, January 11, 2006  

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