Star Wars - Part I

"After my encounter with Star Jones months ago, I received a threatening voice gram from the same young flunkie that filled her plates with food at the local China Buffet she almost bankrupted. I remember it like it was yesterday. Oh wait! I think it was yesterday.

Hemingway, he came up to my door and rung my bell repeatedly. When I went to open it, his exact words were...'I'll eat you alive'.

I was a bit stunned. I took a closer look and knew the dude looked familiar but couldn't quite place where I saw him before. I realized that dude was freaking hot. He was about 5'10, for real, unlike myself. He was about 180 lbs of pure muscle and couldn't have been over 20. I told him 'You need to be careful with your choice of words because I could've turned you out right there. I still might.'

I couldn't believe how bold I was being. I'm normally the shy, cautious one that doesn't openly flirt, especially with guys that may not swing my way. But to my surprise, he licked his lips and smiled suggestively at me. He said...'You know. I could fuck you so good.'

So I said...'I got the lube in the tube and the glove for love.' I cringed after saying that. So, so corny. But he didn't seem to care. 'I thought you'd never ask,' he said as he entered inside. My house...*LOL*.

About an hour after our intense freak session, his cellie begins to ring. I roll my eyes when he picks it up because I was ready for round 2. And you know how I want to throttle folks who answer their cell phone in the middle of a date. But I chilled when realizing technically we didn't really have a date. I didn't even know his name. Besides the conversation from his end sounded interesting.

'Yeah I delivered your message.' Silence. 'Umm, I'm on my way back Star.'

'Star Jones?' I said out loud. He nodded in the affirmative. That's when I realized he was that flunkie that filled her plates up. 'Are you that flunkie that was at the China Buffet filling up her plates with food?'

He rolled his eyes. 'I ain't no flunky.' He still had the phone to his ear. He then said on the phone. 'I'm talking to E.'

He hands me the phone. 'Queen Bee wants to speak with you.'

'Star Jones. I should've known the moment, ummm...(He tells me his name is Jabari.)...Jabari said the words "I'll eat you alive." Didn't you do that to big Gay Al?'"

"Fuck you!"





"Ummm. I think we established that you're too disgusting to have sex with."





(Star begins to ramble loudly and in her menacing tone.) "...I will sue the pants off of you. When I get through with you, you'll wish you were never born. I will put you in a vat of barbecue sauce and fry you in my giant, industry size oven. I will..."


('Fearing for my life, I thought quick on my feet.') "Wait. Would you cook someone who's read your most excellent autobiographical book on your, ummm, finding the love of your life? I, ummm, ghost write for the Chicago Times. I could do an interview with you. You know. Folks have seen you on Dr. Shill, I mean Dr. Phil, and on 20/20. They'll be compelled to hear even more about your fascinating life experiences."

"I'm thinking."





"America can't get enough of you. You would be doing the American public a great big favor. What do ya say?"




"You're so right. I am a fascinating person. AOL knew what they were doing when they hired me to be their love expert. I mean, Al is the love of my life. We knew when we saw each other, that it would be forever. Everyone can benefit from the love experiences we had and continue to have."


"I knew there was a reason I hated AOL."





"What? Why you mother fucking, chicken wing looking...mmm, chicken wings...you piece of chocolate cake smelling..."




"Star! It was a joke. I love AOL as much as I love, umm, you." (E throws up a few chunks, freaking out Jabari.)





"Hey. At least you didn't have to eat Star's cooch?"




(Jabari and E throw up at the same time.)

"Are you eating something good?"





"Wrong choice of words, Star. Ummm, yeah. Let's schedule this interview for tomorrow. Let's say, 2PM ish? Is that okay with you?"



=========================================

"So we schedule the interview time. And you know I made Jabari clean up the mess. After I hung up on the bitch, I groaned in disgust realizing I'm gonna have to read her pathetic book. Come back Sunday night or Monday morning for the fascinating interview. It's one you simply can't miss."