Ego Tripping

Eugene and I recently had this interesting discussion about the ID, EGO, and SUPEREGO. Well Eugene does have a PhD in psychology so what did I expect...*LOL*. Humor me as I attempt to explain these three distinct personality traits we all possess.

The ID in a word is described as a pleasure seeker. The ID wants whatever feels good at the time, with no consideration for the reality of the situation. The EGO can best be described as the reality pill. The EGO understands that others have their own needs and desires, and giving in to its own needs and desires may not be beneficial in the long run. The EGO helps meets the needs of ID, while taking in consideration the reality of a given situation. The SUPEREGO is considered the moral center. It develops due to the moral and ethical restraints we have placed on us.

According to Freud, the EGO is supposed to be the balance between ID and SUPEREGO. Too much ID leads to instant gratification without consequence that can prove dangerous. Too much SUPEREGO makes a person too rigid and judgmental and unbending in his or her interactions with the world.

Eugene and I were talking about this in relation to my past and how it affects my present. My life hasn't always been a bed of roses. Who knew, right? As a child growing up, I endured constant teasing in school from bullies. I was accused of being a nerd, not being black enough, and being gay.

A couple excerpts in my journal that I wrote reflecting on my high school experiences sums up nicely what I went through.

Wednesday, March 25, 1992

Dear Journal,

Well, the sit-in at (my alma mater) is over. Most of the demands are in the process of being made....

....One of the demands that were supposed to be met was more African-American studies. I feel this is great because all that seems to be talked about is what the Europeans did....

.....I also think about the struggle it is to make it in this world. It is especially true for young blacks such as myself. What's ironic is that young blacks put down other blacks who excel in their studies. They say that you are trying to "act white" and suck up to the teachers. Sadly I speak from experience. I have been the victim of such attacks. During my high school years, I never really fitted in with the black students. In fact, my only true friend in high school was John Doe, who happened to be white.....Anyway, accusations flung around that I wasn't only "acting white" but was also gay. Naturally it upset me. No matter how I denied the accusations, they came back to haunt me.....

....One thing I remember is the new students that came to (high school) in later years. D.N. was one new student that came in the middle of my junior semester. He talked to me pretty well the first week he was there. I was thinking, 'This is great. I have a new person to talk to.' But after a week, I noticed he stopped talking to me. Then he would completely ignore me. I knew then that people were telling him that if you want to be popular, you won't talk to E. I got mad but what could I do....

....During my senior year, A.K. came to (high school). It was the same scenario as with D.N. The one thing I liked was that A.K. was in my calculus class. I was particularly happy about this because I was the only black in calculus and it was great having a brother in the class. For the first time, I actually talked in calculus (God, my writing sucks sometimes...*LOL*). A.K. would joke to me about (the place where my sister worked). We talked very well and I was beginning to look forward to class. Then, Ms. Halter (calculus teacher) said that A.K. didn't take Algebra II in his old school. So he had to drop calculus. I was mad. Here I was geeked up (maybe I was a nerd...heh) because I wouldn't be the only black in calc. class and then this. You can pretty much say the friendship ended that day too.....

I was desperately seeking acceptance at that time. I wanted to be one of the cool guys. I couldn't be one if I was a nerd, non-black, and gay.

Obviously I am gay, though it took me a long time to admit that to myself. What tripped me out was that I never gave anyone in the school (to my knowledge) any reasons to believe I was. It wasn't like I was hitting on any guys or anything. Perhaps my general demeanor may have given them ammunition. I'm convinced that I may have came to my realization sooner had I not constantly been barraged by the accusations and trying so hard to escape from it.

So Hemingway, Eugene concluded that in my need for seeking acceptance, I give into my ID too much and don't allow my EGO to kick in. Basically I know that a certain behavior is wrong but not wanting to disappoint the other person, I give in even if I know it's not right.

So what did I give into that prompted this discussion, you might ask? Remember when I mentioned not being able to meet that fuckwad Aaron due to me living the vida loca at a local bar. If not, scroll to the near end of this post.

Hemingway I did something that night that I'm not proud of. I had sex without using protection. Yes I know! I didn't know nothing. I was stupid, I was foolish. I was lying to myself.

Recalling that evening, I met up with a guy named Deion and after having dinner in a Mexican restaurant, we went to this gay bar called Sidetrack. It was my first time in a gay bar (as opposed to a gay club). I think the difference between a bar and a club is that the bar has no cover charge. So Hemingway I'm drinking pina colada after pina colada. After my third one, my EGO was trying to tell me that I had enough, but my ID didn't want to disappoint Deion so I had another. We even had a free round on the house. I had downed 6 of those puppies in a matter of hours & was certifiably drunk. Incidentally my inhibitions were dropped as I found myself feeling up on two muscle bound queens, who proceeded to call Deion and myself fast. That cracked my shit up, though it wasn't far from the truth.

Deion and I left Sidetrack and headed back towards his place. Before doing that, though, he insisted on stopping at Jewel's to get some wine. Even as I was stumbling along the sidewalk to keep up with him, I remember thinking, am I not drunk enough already? I may have even protested loudly to him but he told me I had to help him finish a bottle of wine. I was all whatever as we entered the Jewel. Thankfully Jewel has this rule that they don't sell alcohol after 1AM.

We wound up back in his apartment and you know the classic one thing led to another and err, yeah, I had my moment of shame. Ironically Deion did have a brief moment of sense when he asked if I was clean (in other words, no HIV or other STDs). I quickly told him yes just wanting to get it on. My EGO knew what I was doing was wrong but my ID won out.

So almost two weeks later (and a couple days after my date with that fuckwad Aaron), I had the worst flu/cold. It took almost two weeks for that sucker to go away. I started getting paranoid that maybe I got HIV from that night of unprotected sex. I remember whining to Eugene about it during that time and confessing to him my stupidity. I was worried the sickness I was experiencing was associated with it.

In recalling that conversation along with my past experiences, Eugene concluded that my whining to him was my EGO screaming loud and clear. Basically I was finally thinking of the consequences of my decisions that night. I clearly was feeling remorseful.

Eugene made me vow that I would never again get drunk with someone I didn't fully know. I agreed. I don't think I even want to be drunk around my friends. Sadly I've always been the designated driver type. But that night, I chose not to listen to my heart. I do plan on taking a test soon, even though Deion told me later on that he was negative.

Moral of the story. I need to listen to my EGO more and stop worrying about catering to other people's needs so much. Usually I'll never go wrong doing so.

As for my past, there's obviously no way I can go back to change it. I've slowly come to terms with the experiences and how my actions back then shaped those experiences. Had I stood up for myself and actually got into a few barnyard fights, things may have turned out differently for me in high school. I'll never know, of course. But I need to move on and keep the past where it belongs, in the past.