Thursday, October 20, 2005

Ego Tripping

Eugene and I recently had this interesting discussion about the ID, EGO, and SUPEREGO. Well Eugene does have a PhD in psychology so what did I expect...*LOL*. Humor me as I attempt to explain these three distinct personality traits we all possess.

The ID in a word is described as a pleasure seeker. The ID wants whatever feels good at the time, with no consideration for the reality of the situation. The EGO can best be described as the reality pill. The EGO understands that others have their own needs and desires, and giving in to its own needs and desires may not be beneficial in the long run. The EGO helps meets the needs of ID, while taking in consideration the reality of a given situation. The SUPEREGO is considered the moral center. It develops due to the moral and ethical restraints we have placed on us.

According to Freud, the EGO is supposed to be the balance between ID and SUPEREGO. Too much ID leads to instant gratification without consequence that can prove dangerous. Too much SUPEREGO makes a person too rigid and judgmental and unbending in his or her interactions with the world.

Eugene and I were talking about this in relation to my past and how it affects my present. My life hasn't always been a bed of roses. Who knew, right? As a child growing up, I endured constant teasing in school from bullies. I was accused of being a nerd, not being black enough, and being gay.

A couple excerpts in my journal that I wrote reflecting on my high school experiences sums up nicely what I went through.

Wednesday, March 25, 1992

Dear Journal,

Well, the sit-in at (my alma mater) is over. Most of the demands are in the process of being made....

....One of the demands that were supposed to be met was more African-American studies. I feel this is great because all that seems to be talked about is what the Europeans did....

.....I also think about the struggle it is to make it in this world. It is especially true for young blacks such as myself. What's ironic is that young blacks put down other blacks who excel in their studies. They say that you are trying to "act white" and suck up to the teachers. Sadly I speak from experience. I have been the victim of such attacks. During my high school years, I never really fitted in with the black students. In fact, my only true friend in high school was John Doe, who happened to be white.....Anyway, accusations flung around that I wasn't only "acting white" but was also gay. Naturally it upset me. No matter how I denied the accusations, they came back to haunt me.....

....One thing I remember is the new students that came to (high school) in later years. D.N. was one new student that came in the middle of my junior semester. He talked to me pretty well the first week he was there. I was thinking, 'This is great. I have a new person to talk to.' But after a week, I noticed he stopped talking to me. Then he would completely ignore me. I knew then that people were telling him that if you want to be popular, you won't talk to E. I got mad but what could I do....

....During my senior year, A.K. came to (high school). It was the same scenario as with D.N. The one thing I liked was that A.K. was in my calculus class. I was particularly happy about this because I was the only black in calculus and it was great having a brother in the class. For the first time, I actually talked in calculus (God, my writing sucks sometimes...*LOL*). A.K. would joke to me about (the place where my sister worked). We talked very well and I was beginning to look forward to class. Then, Ms. Halter (calculus teacher) said that A.K. didn't take Algebra II in his old school. So he had to drop calculus. I was mad. Here I was geeked up (maybe I was a nerd...heh) because I wouldn't be the only black in calc. class and then this. You can pretty much say the friendship ended that day too.....

I was desperately seeking acceptance at that time. I wanted to be one of the cool guys. I couldn't be one if I was a nerd, non-black, and gay.

Obviously I am gay, though it took me a long time to admit that to myself. What tripped me out was that I never gave anyone in the school (to my knowledge) any reasons to believe I was. It wasn't like I was hitting on any guys or anything. Perhaps my general demeanor may have given them ammunition. I'm convinced that I may have came to my realization sooner had I not constantly been barraged by the accusations and trying so hard to escape from it.

So Hemingway, Eugene concluded that in my need for seeking acceptance, I give into my ID too much and don't allow my EGO to kick in. Basically I know that a certain behavior is wrong but not wanting to disappoint the other person, I give in even if I know it's not right.

So what did I give into that prompted this discussion, you might ask? Remember when I mentioned not being able to meet that fuckwad Aaron due to me living the vida loca at a local bar. If not, scroll to the near end of this post.

Hemingway I did something that night that I'm not proud of. I had sex without using protection. Yes I know! I didn't know nothing. I was stupid, I was foolish. I was lying to myself.

Recalling that evening, I met up with a guy named Deion and after having dinner in a Mexican restaurant, we went to this gay bar called Sidetrack. It was my first time in a gay bar (as opposed to a gay club). I think the difference between a bar and a club is that the bar has no cover charge. So Hemingway I'm drinking pina colada after pina colada. After my third one, my EGO was trying to tell me that I had enough, but my ID didn't want to disappoint Deion so I had another. We even had a free round on the house. I had downed 6 of those puppies in a matter of hours & was certifiably drunk. Incidentally my inhibitions were dropped as I found myself feeling up on two muscle bound queens, who proceeded to call Deion and myself fast. That cracked my shit up, though it wasn't far from the truth.

Deion and I left Sidetrack and headed back towards his place. Before doing that, though, he insisted on stopping at Jewel's to get some wine. Even as I was stumbling along the sidewalk to keep up with him, I remember thinking, am I not drunk enough already? I may have even protested loudly to him but he told me I had to help him finish a bottle of wine. I was all whatever as we entered the Jewel. Thankfully Jewel has this rule that they don't sell alcohol after 1AM.

We wound up back in his apartment and you know the classic one thing led to another and err, yeah, I had my moment of shame. Ironically Deion did have a brief moment of sense when he asked if I was clean (in other words, no HIV or other STDs). I quickly told him yes just wanting to get it on. My EGO knew what I was doing was wrong but my ID won out.

So almost two weeks later (and a couple days after my date with that fuckwad Aaron), I had the worst flu/cold. It took almost two weeks for that sucker to go away. I started getting paranoid that maybe I got HIV from that night of unprotected sex. I remember whining to Eugene about it during that time and confessing to him my stupidity. I was worried the sickness I was experiencing was associated with it.

In recalling that conversation along with my past experiences, Eugene concluded that my whining to him was my EGO screaming loud and clear. Basically I was finally thinking of the consequences of my decisions that night. I clearly was feeling remorseful.

Eugene made me vow that I would never again get drunk with someone I didn't fully know. I agreed. I don't think I even want to be drunk around my friends. Sadly I've always been the designated driver type. But that night, I chose not to listen to my heart. I do plan on taking a test soon, even though Deion told me later on that he was negative.

Moral of the story. I need to listen to my EGO more and stop worrying about catering to other people's needs so much. Usually I'll never go wrong doing so.

As for my past, there's obviously no way I can go back to change it. I've slowly come to terms with the experiences and how my actions back then shaped those experiences. Had I stood up for myself and actually got into a few barnyard fights, things may have turned out differently for me in high school. I'll never know, of course. But I need to move on and keep the past where it belongs, in the past.


Blogger courtneyelizabeth said...

well, definately move on...but dont FORGET the has helped to shape who you are TODAY.

3:18 PM, October 20, 2005  
Blogger That Girl said...

High school can be a BITCH. I had some bad experiences in high school as well...but yeah, I agree with Courtney hold on to those experiences...because they have shaped you, I use my bad experiences in high school and throughout life to drive me to do and be more...sounds corny, but it is amazing how much tests in life can push you.

3:28 PM, October 20, 2005  
Blogger Tim said...

I agree. NEVER forget the past.

8:58 PM, October 20, 2005  
Blogger ~ Eclectic Soul ~ said...

I'm glad you came to terms with your actions that night, no sense in beating yourself up. We've all been victim to poor choices and the fear of possible consequences and/or shame. This is one of those experiences you tuck in your knapsack for future reality checks, and in the meantime keep it movin. Get that test in the next trimester and keep it safe going forward. *Hugz to you*

10:09 PM, October 20, 2005  
Blogger lady in satin said... know I love you, right?

I can relate to your somewhat with this post, with not being popular in high school, etc. I've been teased all of my life, all through school. From preschool on up to middle school. When I got to high school, the teasing stopped. I was called all kinds of names and was treated horribly by students. I was called ugly...for years, and I started to believe it. I believed that I was ugly, because bullies would tell me that. It was horrible. Anyway...I learned at a young age...about 10...a very important lesson. I told myself that if I couldn't be physically beautiful, that I would be beautiful on the INSIDE. I told myself that, and I believed it, and I still believe it to this day.

Life is a rollarcoaster ride. There are so many things that we have picked up during childhood and adolescence (negative things) that cause us to act out in our adult life. What we need to do (and this is something that I do often) is take a step back and self examine. Take some "YOU" time, and look deep within. Try to figure out WHY you do what you do and then try to figure out HOW not to do it (especially if it is detrimental to you in any way). I know how it felt to be treated like dirt by other people, and the last thing I want to do is treat people the way I was treated...and the last thing I want to do is allow myself to be treated like that in the future, by other people, or by myself.

Its so amazing how the mind works. For example...if you were a victim of some heinous act as a child, or even an adult...if you don't get over it psychologically, then you will continue to victimize yourself. And I feel that's what you're doing. And you know it. You didn't feel accepted, so now when someone's shows you attention or interest, you'll do almost anything (I'm guessing) to keep that person's interest. gotta dig deep, and dig out some pure and unrelenting, unconditional love for yourself. I know its hard and it will take me, I've been there. But its SOOOOO worth it. Taking the time out to figure out what the hell is wrong with you and what you need to change is a good thing. And in the process, you really get to know yourself and love yourself. Besides, you can't love someone you don't know, right?

I hope you do get tested and think positive and NEVER do that again! You actually have people out here who care for you and don't want to see anything BAD happen to you!!

11:01 PM, October 20, 2005  
Blogger lady in satin said...

By the way...I'll post a lil' something about Amel's show!! But I just need to find the words to write it! It was such an incredible experience that I am still speechless, after a week!!!

11:05 PM, October 20, 2005  
Blogger taylorSiluw√© ..... said...

You sorta strummed my pain with this one kid, as far as the high-school stuff.

Just remember, most high-school bullies grow up to be losers. It's the geeks, nerds and book-worms who rule.

As for getting drunk and doing what you did ... well, chalk it up as a lesson learned. When you get plastered, accountability goes right out the window.

I've learned to set a firm limit on my drinking, because I've had way too many plastered evenings that led to remorseful mornings.

My rule: when I hit that point where I'm having a really great time, I switch to club soda. I still need something in my hand (as a prop), but no more alcohol.

10:19 AM, October 21, 2005  
Blogger nosthegametoo said...

A rough lesson too many of us have learned. I suppose when you think about it, a whole lot of us have avoided SERIOUS tragedy by nothing more than sheer luck.

I've long since outgrown even attmepting to test my luck in that way. I always wonder and worry about where someone has been. If I have to worry, I don't fool with them. There are no "I'm sorry" when someone puts your health at risk. Unfortunatley, you can NEVER just trust that someone is straight up with you when it comes to these things.

As far as high school... I'll have to send you a book on my experience. Looks like we'd probably need to trade.

Loved the post.

6:19 PM, October 21, 2005  
Blogger jazeGma2 said...

I was always taught and do believe, people who tease or make another individual feel bad have problems with their selves, and have low selfestem.

The biggest rule is to learn to love and like yourself so that know one can tear or break you down. Once you learn to love and like yourself you can help yourslef more. Just as you would help someone else.

We learn from our mistakes. Sometimes mistakes are made so that we can learn from them.

If you had not done what you did Would you be thinking about the consquence now?

Please! Please! Love yourself so that you never make that mistake again.

Take care!

10:09 PM, October 21, 2005  
Blogger That Dude Right There said...

When I wrecked my mother's car when I was 16, she didn't even fuss. She said that the way that I felt inside had taught me enough.

I guess you can see that there was a lesson to be learned. We both kinda did the same thing, except alcohol was not involved inmy case. Just ignorance. Now I have to go post about my "no protection" experience. Let's just say that I have learned my lesson also.

11:46 AM, October 22, 2005  
Blogger K said...

wow. thanks for sharing such intimate aspects of yourself. i read this and can most definitely relate in terms of school and friends and wanting to be accepted. i find that those who don't feel accepted end up getting into situations that might be stressful because of that craving of acceptable. i have been there. great post.

1:24 PM, October 22, 2005  
Blogger Rose said...

I don't know how it feels to personally "be bullied", because I had three older brothers and a younger sister who could beat you like bricks, but I feel you. Please get tested and protect yourself by always keeping your wits...not getting smashed, drunked, etc. Don't let your past hurt your future...

12:48 AM, October 23, 2005  
Blogger Valentino said...

High School is an absolutely terrible time..too much goin far as your experience...we can only grow as we learn from mistakes right? Now you know better...

10:28 PM, October 23, 2005  
Blogger John Henry II said...

I hope everything is fine. You and I are eye to about the high school situation. As for you ID trip, I will have agree with Valentino on that one. Maybe we could have an exchange? I give a little SuperEGO and you give a little ID.

2:29 PM, October 30, 2005  

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