Keeping My Aliases
I received a comment about my recent Working That Date Out post that I need to address. A reader was asking me if I was talking about the Timbaland. The answer
to that question is no. I was using an alias name like I always do when referring to people I encounter in my life. I chose the name Timbaland because this particular person enjoyed wearing Timberland shoes. Which may lead one to wonder why I didn't call him Timberland instead. Heh...I liked the spelling Timbaland better.Hemingway my last post discussed my weekend trip to Detroit and the unexpected drama I encountered at the last second. My Mom was giving me the 3rd degree about my love life and basically asked if I was batting for the gay team.
I've always told myself that if my parents asked me about my sexuality that I would be honest with them as hard as it would be (and at the risk of losing their love). I do get tired of living the lie and giving them false hope that I'll get hitched someday with a girl.
Unfortunately though, the approach my Mom took wasn't the best one. But I can't fault her for that. As I mentioned before, talk about sex has always been a bit taboo in my family. I imagine it was difficult for her to even bring up.
I'd be foolish to think that my own immediate family hasn't been speculating about my sexuality all these years. I'm convinced that my sisters already know and it wouldn't surprise me if my Mom asked them for an opinion.
Speculation among immediate family is one thing. But speculation from outside family that I don't even know (all of our outside family lives outside the United States) is a bit much.
That's why I looked my Mom straight in the eye and told her that I wasn't gay. I didn't act hysterically or anything. I spoke in a calm tone.
That calm tone probably wasn't that convincing. If I really wasn't gay, wouldn't I shout from the mountaintops..."Hell to the no!"? I'm sure any straight guy would be very vocal if someone accused them of being gay. I couldn't even muster that. So I'm pretty sure she wasn't convinced, though she did say she was relieved.
I had a lot to think about on my trip back to Chicago. I feel like I've come to a crossroads of sorts and had my own Climax, which incidentally I consider the mid-point between Detroit & my home outside Chicago.
Incidentally as I thinking about this, I had Ralph Tresvant's single, Do What I Gotta Do, playing in the CD player. As I thought about the lyrics, I was thinking that song would be a perfect song for a guy to sing to his woman if he wanted to confess that he was really gay.
If I were in my 20s, I probably could live the lie for a few more years. Maybe even find a lesbian girlfriend to pretend and have a relationship with. But as my Mom said, I'm not getting any younger. Life is way too short to have to keep lying to my family. I think I'm at the point that I may have to "do what I gotta do" and disappoint my parents.
I think if I do it, it'll probably be by letter. I would mail individual ones to my sisters (though I may call Trina directly) and parents. That way they can let it sink in and I won't have to see their initial reactions. Plus it'll give them time to talk about it among themselves and decide whether they still love me or not.
I guess I'll be the new black sheep of the family...*LOL*.
shared by E @ 9:00 AM
15 Comments:
Timbaland is gorgeous!
I have to say you're right, your family probably does suspect by now. But, tell them when YOU'RE ready.
My response to "Are you gay?" has always been a calm "Why do you ask?" Which gets them to talk about why they are compelled to ask. For me answers have ranged from me not having a woman, kids, being a little soft (sometimes), but it usually boils down to me not conforming to some societal norm. If a calm discussion continues we are able to get to the part about how an answer of yes may change their feelings for me. Such a calm discussion has seldom taken place among family members, especially the older ones, but the conversations that have been successful were wonderful. My sister and I have the best relationship because she realizes that who I sleep with has nothing to do with how we feel about each other AND is NO reflection on her. Ultimately we have to bring our peoples to the realization that there has always been a gay person in their lives that they loved. Sometimes we have to "out" that person (or ourselves) to make the realization clear. That takes a lot of courage.
Tell when your really ready to tell. I don't know much about your fam, or you, but I do know that when they find out, if they really love you, they will still love you. They may not talk to you or interact with you for a minute, but they'll still love you.
Always a tough decision. I also say tell them when you are ready. I always feel that revealing your sexuality is personal to you and you only. You owe no one an explanation as to why you are gay or why you did or didn't tell them sooner. You do it when it is comfortable for you. If my mother to be so bold to ask I would tell. The same goes for anyone else in my family. My cousin asked about 7 or 8 years ago in the barber chair in front of everyone. Of course I said no but I am in a different place now. If he was to ask me again I would say yes - why? Good luck with that.
the new black sheep lol... yo, i'm there witcha cuz that has never been me, and i feel u on the fear of not knowing the outcome, and u r right, any str8 guy would be flipping out about that, not calm lol but good luck, i wish u the best... that's crazy... and yeah i think my sis knows, too and my mom's prolly asked her opinion as well, 2 funny... my mom is the queen of gossip, so she's prolly asked other people, too... it's nerver-wrecking at times, but whatever... i'm the same way as far as if someone would just ask, no one's actually flat out asked me except my mom and my best str8 guy friend lol, i denied it both times, but i don't even care right now, but like i said good luck, u'll be fine... LATA
I think that you should E. Nothing is better then being your true self and you should always be able to be that around people who love you more than any one in this world. I don't know your situation at all. But if you are holding a large part of your personality back from this you might as well. I am sure they already know E. Most gay men act gay. How do you act gay. Let's not go there. But trust me, they already know, and I am sure they don't need you to be hiding your lifestyle. God forbids, anything ever happens to you and they find out then. Would that be right? It wouldn't be.
However, if one of my sisters were to be gay, it would be very hard on the family at first. More unbelievable then anything. But something we would have to accept...of course we would try to change their decision (i know you can't do that be eh..I'm just being honest) but we would eventually get over it. We would have no choice.
Be strong, I have a feeling that it might be easier then you think. If they already have suspicions then they are only waiting on you to tell them. I could see if your family didn't suspect anything, then that would be extremely hard, but since they sorta of know, you might as well inform them. Again, I say this, because tomorrow isn't promise to anyone.
:)
"Life is way too short to have to keep lying to my family"...It's time E. Your 33, grown and out the house. Your mom knows by the way. But what u tell her confuses her and makes her mind go in circles. And yes, write beautiful handwritten letters, it will be relieving to you and to the receiver of it. Life is waaaaaay too short.
I consider myself like THE gayest straight woman ever..I am more like a gay man than i am a fab woman...but there are parts of the lifestyle that I will never ever have to deal with and no amount of clubbing,voguing,runway walks or balls can help.
The whole DL and coming out is something that I really get teary eyed when i think about...it's horrible when my gay friends that are more in love than a lot of the straights tonging each other down on the street,can't even give each other a loving stare...without ridicule..I hate that shit!
I think if you want to remain DL to keep your family's denial at bay..than it's your business..you know them better than anybody...just be real with you E...that's what matters...find you that perfect person for you and live your life...keep em guessin' it's been this long...let them wait!
Honesty is the best policy. I don't think they will hate you, the might be disappointed and try to straighten you out by fixing you up with their friends daughters, but eventually they will see that you are who you are and nothing with their child has changed.
Good Luck and I'll be praying for you
I think it is something with Families trying to clock tea. I aint hiding it anymore. Its what it is!
I'm sure they know so they're braced, but still your time. And since you write it'll be easier to express EVERYTHING you're feeling in paper, because saying it in words would be harder. But I'm sure they know.....
It's not like my blind parents in denial and think I watch Top Model to see the "pretty girls". LOL
Although I could never imagine living in a house where sex is taboo. That must be weird. My mother is all, "When you are married, you get to experience the joys of sex with your lover".(LOL)
-Marz
i agree with Rodney, why do people have to know about your sexual orientation? i am sometimes disgusted by society's complete preoccupation with things sexual - what consenting adults do in the privacy of their own home is exactly that - private - and there is something really ugly about this voyeauristic tendency to need to know EVERYTHING about everyone we meet. I resent it when people i have just me ask me: "Are you a Christian" - my spirituality is a very personal matter for me, and i compare that question to me asking a middle aged couple (from Iowa): "How many times week do you have sex". I feel the same way about people wanting to know about gays. People assume that they have the right to know, and worse, the right to ASK! I don't think they do.
cheers for now,
pj
When I found out my mother was a lesbian-
I didn't love her less. I was confused because
we were raised so traditionally and I was hurt
because she didn't tell me. Not that it makes a difference who she sleeps with, but because she felt I would not love her and be ashamed. I have not and will never be ashamed or stop loving my mother... in the same way your family will NOT stop loving you. Tell them what they already suspect- but in your own way. You are not responsible for how they react. Hiding from their disappointment won't change the fact that you're gay. It just makes you miserable with a heavy heart.
The question is what will this do for you?
If you tell them will it make your life any more or less complicated?
Do you really think your father wants to hear about your boyfriends?
Believe it or not some truth is better kept to ones self especially since the revelation won't impact any body's life one way or the other. YOu don't have a bio clock ticking so keep on living the life of Riley or Hemingway or E
E... *yeah I'm finally getting backto read* but anyway.. YES.. tell when you are ready.. I wouldn't go the pretend girlfriend route only because after a while that lie gets to be pretty hard to keep up... I did it for a friend and he kept it up for 4 yrs.. was pissed when Imoved away but that made the "breakup" more real for his family because he wouldn't "take the next step" finally 5 yrs later he has come clean to them and they did already know.. and they haven't changed how they love him..
Do it when u are ready and don't feel pressured.. have a conversation with yourself and you will know when its right.. The letter sounds like a great idea.. although it may be awkward when u call or visit to discuss..
keep ya head up baby boy :)
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