Keeping My Aliases
I received a comment about my recent Working That Date Out post that I need to address. A reader was asking me if I was talking about the Timbaland. The answer to that question is no. I was using an alias name like I always do when referring to people I encounter in my life. I chose the name Timbaland because this particular person enjoyed wearing Timberland shoes. Which may lead one to wonder why I didn't call him Timberland instead. Heh...I liked the spelling Timbaland better.
Hemingway my last post discussed my weekend trip to Detroit and the unexpected drama I encountered at the last second. My Mom was giving me the 3rd degree about my love life and basically asked if I was batting for the gay team.
I've always told myself that if my parents asked me about my sexuality that I would be honest with them as hard as it would be (and at the risk of losing their love). I do get tired of living the lie and giving them false hope that I'll get hitched someday with a girl.
Unfortunately though, the approach my Mom took wasn't the best one. But I can't fault her for that. As I mentioned before, talk about sex has always been a bit taboo in my family. I imagine it was difficult for her to even bring up.
I'd be foolish to think that my own immediate family hasn't been speculating about my sexuality all these years. I'm convinced that my sisters already know and it wouldn't surprise me if my Mom asked them for an opinion.
Speculation among immediate family is one thing. But speculation from outside family that I don't even know (all of our outside family lives outside the United States) is a bit much.
That's why I looked my Mom straight in the eye and told her that I wasn't gay. I didn't act hysterically or anything. I spoke in a calm tone.
That calm tone probably wasn't that convincing. If I really wasn't gay, wouldn't I shout from the mountaintops..."Hell to the no!"? I'm sure any straight guy would be very vocal if someone accused them of being gay. I couldn't even muster that. So I'm pretty sure she wasn't convinced, though she did say she was relieved.
I had a lot to think about on my trip back to Chicago. I feel like I've come to a crossroads of sorts and had my own Climax, which incidentally I consider the mid-point between Detroit & my home outside Chicago.
Incidentally as I thinking about this, I had Ralph Tresvant's single, Do What I Gotta Do, playing in the CD player. As I thought about the lyrics, I was thinking that song would be a perfect song for a guy to sing to his woman if he wanted to confess that he was really gay.
If I were in my 20s, I probably could live the lie for a few more years. Maybe even find a lesbian girlfriend to pretend and have a relationship with. But as my Mom said, I'm not getting any younger. Life is way too short to have to keep lying to my family. I think I'm at the point that I may have to "do what I gotta do" and disappoint my parents.
I think if I do it, it'll probably be by letter. I would mail individual ones to my sisters (though I may call Trina directly) and parents. That way they can let it sink in and I won't have to see their initial reactions. Plus it'll give them time to talk about it among themselves and decide whether they still love me or not.
I guess I'll be the new black sheep of the family...*LOL*.