Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I'm Gay

I can hear all the duhs from the few readers I have left....*LOL*. I was watching this movie with a recent date called Mambo Italiano and one particular line in the movie stood out for me. I can't exactly phrase it word for word but essentially the main character is struggling with coming out to his parents. He basically says something like he would hate for them to die not knowing who he really is.

So of course that got me to thinking again about my situation. Yeah yeah yeah....they know. But it's unofficial of course.

I actually wrote a letter earlier this year that I still need to mail. The trigger for writing it was my Dad telling my Mom (in front of me) that he told someone that he gave up asking about my personal life. What bought that up was him running into a long time friend at his Church that started asking him questions about my sisters and I. One of them of course was if I had someone in my life. The questions of course were invasive but I'm sure common among folks discussing their kids.

I was upset by the comment but of course kept my feelings to myself. I went to the guestroom I always stay at during my visit and cried for about ten minutes. Oddly enough I started singing to myself the PCD song "I Hate This Part". Particularly I was singing "I gotta do it. I gotta do it. I gotta do it. I hate this part." Oddly enough again those particular lines were appropriate for my situation.

I was feeling emboldened enough after I wiped my tears and cleared my eyes out to tell my parents during breakfast. So fast forward to breakfast time sitting with my parents and I started feeling queasy. I just couldn't say the words. Same thing happened throughout the day.

So I left without saying anything. But soon as I got home, I wrote a letter. It goes like this...

Dear Mom and Dad,

I'm gay. It's something I've come to terms with a few years ago. I wanted to tell the truth Mom when you've asked me but at the time I wasn't ready to make it official. It took me a while to accept it myself. I realize though that my being gay is just a small part of who I am.

I've had those feelings most of my childhood. It had nothing to do with how I was raised. I truly believe my being gay was something I was born with.

You both were (and still are) very good parents. You taught me a lot of positive values that gave me the tools needed to get through life and be the positive member of society that I am today.

I truly wish I had the courage to tell you this news face to face. There were several times I wanted to say something but the words never came out.

One of my biggest fears was that I would lose your love if I told you. The thought of you not loving me anymore really hurt and kept me from sharing.

At the same time I know there is rampant speculation on why I'm not married yet and why I haven't started a family. As I get older, I realize the speculation will only increase.

A part of me needs to come out just so I can end the speculation. Its one thing when people outside of my immediate family (coworkers, church members, for example) wonders about you. Honestly I could care less what they think. But I do care about you both and I don't want to keep you in the dark about this anymore. The only way I found that worked for me was to write this letter.

Now that the proverbial cat is out of the bag "officially", know that I will always love you. I know finding out about me this way may be a bit of a hard pill to swallow. If you want to ask me about anything, I'm hoping this letter helps to reopen the lines of communication.

I love you both.


So that's the letter. I just need to drop it in the mail or leave it behind the next time I visit, which will be in a couple days.



Blogger Ladynay said...

I say mail it, that way you can't really back out. Good for you for coming out officially to your family. Looking at the gay and lesbian friends I have that have come out since I've known them, it was a process for each one of them. Good or bad outcome...still a process.


9:14 AM, December 22, 2009  
Blogger Cocoa Rican said...

I guess since I have been out since I was 14-or so, I don't see the magnitude in the decision to come out. You should do what you think best for you. I would ask how your coming out benefits them? You know you're gay and they know it, why do we feel - when not asked - to volunteer stuff. Personally, I'd wait until the ball is in my court and someone asks me directly. This way nothing I say is TMI it has been asked. Right now you're assuming folks want to know.

9:53 AM, December 22, 2009  
Blogger E said...

Thanks Ladynay and Cocoa for the comments. Ladynay I will bring the letter with me when I go in town. Unless my folks ask, I will likely not leave it but will mail it on New Years. Nothing like starting 2010 with a bang. Lol

Cocoa you're right too. I'm especially glad to hear your comments since I know you've been out forever and wanted to hear an opinion from that perspective.

I want to do this for me. They may not be ready for it but I'm ready. At least as ready as I'm going to be. My Dad will be 80 in a couple weeks and like I mentioned, the line in that movie hit me. I don't expect us to start talking about my love life instantly and likely we won't but at least they'll finally know the real truth. Plus I don't think my Mom will bring it up again like she did before. If they would ask one more time, it would be hard but I would now tell them in a heartbeat.

11:31 AM, December 22, 2009  
Blogger Ty said...

That's a bold step but agree that it is needed. If for nothing else, just for closure to that aspect. I understand what the comments are about mailing it so that you won't change your mind but believe it may be impersonal. That's just me. I wish you the best in whichever way you decide.

12:07 PM, December 22, 2009  
Blogger E said...

Thanks Ty. Closure is a big part of it. The letter I feel would give them time to digest the news. It will be interesting and nerve wrecking to see what happens afterwards.

12:56 PM, December 22, 2009  
Blogger gee said...

fax it to them..LOL j/k but really you will know when you are ready to mail it. i never got around to telling my father before he died and it something that i regret. even though i know that he knew, i wanted to be able to not hide my personal life from him, but i did b/c it was something that we never discussed.

i'm sure they will love you the same..they sound like supportive parents..especially for our mom to ask you outright. she was giving you a change to be yourself..in away saying, "it's ok, i already know".

9:59 PM, January 13, 2010  

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