I can hear all the duhs from the few readers I have left....*LOL*. I was watching this movie with a recent date called Mambo Italiano and one particular line in the movie stood out for me. I can't exactly phrase it word for word but essentially the main character is struggling with coming out to his parents. He basically says something like he would hate for them to die not knowing who he really is.
So of course that got me to thinking again about my situation. Yeah yeah yeah....they know. But it's unofficial of course.
I actually wrote a letter earlier this year that I still need to mail. The trigger for writing it was my Dad telling my Mom (in front of me) that he told someone that he gave up asking about my personal life. What bought that up was him running into a long time friend at his Church that started asking him questions about my sisters and I. One of them of course was if I had someone in my life. The questions of course were invasive but I'm sure common among folks discussing their kids.
I was upset by the comment but of course kept my feelings to myself. I went to the guestroom I always stay at during my visit and cried for about ten minutes. Oddly enough I started singing to myself the PCD song "I Hate This Part". Particularly I was singing "I gotta do it. I gotta do it. I gotta do it. I hate this part." Oddly enough again those particular lines were appropriate for my situation.
I was feeling emboldened enough after I wiped my tears and cleared my eyes out to tell my parents during breakfast. So fast forward to breakfast time sitting with my parents and I started feeling queasy. I just couldn't say the words. Same thing happened throughout the day.
So I left without saying anything. But soon as I got home, I wrote a letter. It goes like this...
Dear Mom and Dad,
I'm gay. It's something I've come to terms with a few years ago. I wanted to tell the truth Mom when you've asked me but at the time I wasn't ready to make it official. It took me a while to accept it myself. I realize though that my being gay is just a small part of who I am.
I've had those feelings most of my childhood. It had nothing to do with how I was raised. I truly believe my being gay was something I was born with.
You both were (and still are) very good parents. You taught me a lot of positive values that gave me the tools needed to get through life and be the positive member of society that I am today.
I truly wish I had the courage to tell you this news face to face. There were several times I wanted to say something but the words never came out.
One of my biggest fears was that I would lose your love if I told you. The thought of you not loving me anymore really hurt and kept me from sharing.
At the same time I know there is rampant speculation on why I'm not married yet and why I haven't started a family. As I get older, I realize the speculation will only increase.
A part of me needs to come out just so I can end the speculation. Its one thing when people outside of my immediate family (coworkers, church members, for example) wonders about you. Honestly I could care less what they think. But I do care about you both and I don't want to keep you in the dark about this anymore. The only way I found that worked for me was to write this letter.
Now that the proverbial cat is out of the bag "officially", know that I will always love you. I know finding out about me this way may be a bit of a hard pill to swallow. If you want to ask me about anything, I'm hoping this letter helps to reopen the lines of communication.
I love you both.
So that's the letter. I just need to drop it in the mail or leave it behind the next time I visit, which will be in a couple days.