Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Friends As Lovers

Lovers and Friends - Usher, Ludacris, Lil' Jon

[1st Verse: Usher]
Baby, how ya doin'?
Hope that 'cha fine, wanna know what you got in mind, tonight,
Got me feenin' like Jodeci, girl, I can't leave you alone
Take a shot of this here Petrone' and it's gon' be on,
V.I.P. done got way too crowded,
I'm about to end up callin' it a night,
You should holla at 'cha girl, tell her you shake it and seized,
Pull off, beep-beep, shotgun in the GT with me
She said, "Ohhh-ohhh, I'm ready to ride, yeah,"
"'Cause once you get inside, you can't change your mind,"
"Don't mean to sound impatient, but you gotta promise, baby, ohh..."

[Chorus: Usher]
Tell me again (Tell me again, my baby),
That we'll be Lovers and Friends (Ohh, I gotta know, baby, aw yeah)
Tell me again (Make sho' you right, ohh, before we leave),
That we'll be Lovers and Friends (Ohh, it's a good look, baby)...

[2nd Verse: Ludacris]
Sometime wanna be your lover,
Sometime wanna be your friend,
Sometime wanna hug ya,
Hold hands, slow-dance while the record spins,
Opened up your heart 'cause you said I made you feel so comfortable,
Used to play back then, now you all grown-up like Rudy Huxtable,
I could be your Bud, you could beat me up,
Play-fight in the dark, then we both make up,
I'd do anything just to feel your butt,
Why you got me so messed up?
I don't know, but you gotta stop trippin',
Be a good girl now, turn around, and get these whippings,
You know you like it like that,
You don't have to fight back,
Here's a pillow - bite...that,
And I'll be settin' seperate plays,
So on all these separate days,
Your legs can go they separate...ways...

[Repeat Chorus]

[3rd Verse: Lil' Jon]
I's been know you fo' a long time (shawty),
But fuckin' never crossed my mind (shawty),
But tonight, I seen sumthin' in ya (shawty),
That made me wanna get wit 'cha (shawty),
But you ain't been nuttin' but a friend to me (shawty),
And a nigga never ever dreamed to be (shawty),
Up in here, kissin', huggin', squeezin', touchin' (shawty),
Up in the bathtub, rub-a-dubbin' (shawty),
Are you sure you wanna go this route? (shawty),
Let a nigga know before I pull it out (shawty),
I would never ever cross the line (shawty),
Shawty, let me hear ya tell me one mo' mo' time...

They say the best lovers are those that start out as friends. Why is that? I haven't had the pleasure of being in a serious relationship where it got to the point that the two of us were friends or lovers. My approach when it comes to dating has always been to focus on finding a lover and maybe in time we could be friends. Of course I do want to get to know my lover but I never really worked on trying to be their friend or even seeing if they're worthy of that title. Perhaps that (as well as the bull I've experienced) is why I haven't had a successful relatioship.

My friend Eugene on the other hand won't consider being a lover unless he's comfortable enough with someone to be friends. He'll for the most part avoid situations with dates where the propensity of having sex is greater. This means that he'll rarely go on evening dates and if he does, he won't entertain the notion of answering the question...'your place or mine?' But alas Eugene hasn't had any successful relationships either.

Between head and heart, I usually follow my heart, which has led to disappointment. Read any of my previous dating entries for examples. Eugene usually follows his head, which has led to his own disappointments. He lamented to me the other day about a guy who he befriended while pursuing his PhD and considers a true friend that he let get away as a lover because he chose his head. This friend actually one night while they were spending the night came up to Eugene's bed while Eugene was sleeping. Eugene woke up at one point and noted that it appeared that his friend wanted to "make out" with him. Based on what he described to me, I believed Eugene's assessment to be true. Instead of going with the flow, Eugene questioned what his friend was doing and the moment turned awkward and quickly passed. It's been Eugene's biggest regret. His fear was losing the three year friendship they built. But he feels now that had he let things happen, they might be living together today. Based on how he described his friend (especially how this friend is jealous of Eugene's other friends at times), I tend to believe him.

So how do you find that balance between being a friend and lover? A few days ago, Rock and I celebrated our two month anniversary since the first time we met. Since we live an hour apart, the best time to see each other has been the weekend. With the exception of the holidays and last weekend (he went to some leather party in D.C.), we've seen each other every weekend. Either he would visit or I would visit him. Typically we would bowl, have dinner out, and then chill and make out. Usually whoever visited would stay the night and then after half a day head back home.

We've done everything short of actual intercourse itself. I told Rock that I wanted to wait at least three months before having sex. He was okay with it, even though during the course of our making out, he would ask occsionally if I was sure about waiting. As far as the three month thing, it's not something that I normally do. But I felt that I really wanted things to be different between Rock and myself.

I will say this. Rock and I have been very good about communicating with each other on a daily basis either via text or phone. Even when he was in D.C., we talked a lot and he lamented about how much he missed me. It was really sweet because I missed him too.

I was thinking about our typical routine and wondered if there would become a point where we'd get bored with each other. You know there's only so much "making out" w/o sex you can do before eventually something has to give. I also was worried about whether I was focusing too much on being a lover and not on the friendship. On that note, I was thinking maybe it'd be cool if we did more daytime activities and then instead of spending the night together, we part ways like friends would do.

This led to some serious arguing between us when I suggested it. Rock felt like I was unappreciative of the time we did spend together and wondered what more did I want. He questioned if I was happy being with him and wondered if I was even attracted to him. He pointed out that he has plenty of friends already that he does activities with but wants me to be at a higher level.

I tried to point out that I did appreciate the moments we've had and that I wanted to work on the friendship aspect of our relationship. I wanted to experience the feeling of being friends and lovers.

Rock pointed out that he's getting older (aren't we all..*LOL*) and he's at the point of his life where he wants to find a life partner that he can do things with. He's tired of living his life alone and would like to eventually have someone he can come home to. I think he felt like my suggestions were my way of pushing him away.

He said that he could try my approach of just hanging out and parting ways but didn't know how long he could do that. He reiterated too that he doesn't want to hurt me and only wants me to be happy. Based on his actions over the last two months, I believe him. We eventually came around to understanding each other. That took a couple days.

I know I'm going to have to take the initiative as far as finding things to do that could be a daytime (not just late afternoon to evening) activity. I live near Chicago, though, so hopefully finding things to do won't be so hard. Of course I'll have to consider Rock's location as well when making those plans.

Bottomline. I'm not giving up on what could possibly be the best thing that's come along in my life. I know he's not either.

So do you find that balance between being a friend and lover?

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Blogger Soldier said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

4:22 PM, January 17, 2007  
Blogger Soldier said...

Damn, those lyrics, E,... those lyrics...
Anyway, if your lover is not your friend then things between the two of you can't really be more than physical.
My best female friend doesnt consider her lover as a friend. Consequence : he doesnt know enough about her to really understand her, and vice versa.
90% of their arguments make no sense for that reason.
To me a lover is a friend that comes with a bonus : the physical connection. So when i meet somebody, first step = evaluate our friendship potential, second step = lover potential.
If Rock really wants somebody to spend his life with, the daily activities should be even more important to him unless he wakes up at 6 pm... lol

Long comment to compensate my absence of comments in the past posts !

4:23 PM, January 17, 2007  
Blogger Ladynay said...

I am not sure how to answer that.

7:44 AM, January 18, 2007  
Blogger That Dude Right There said...

I thought that I wouldn't have an answer, but I do. I can't look at a lover as a friend no matter how I try.
To me, a friend is a friend and a lover is a lover. I don't think that blurring the 2 ideas would be a good idea for ME.

But if it works for others, so be it.

4:04 PM, January 19, 2007  
Blogger Rose said...

Friends communicate and get to know it other, they rely on each other and often don't take each other for granted. So if you move this to a nother level, you already know each other weaknesses and strengths and can talk about things.

9:38 PM, January 21, 2007  
Blogger Marz said...

I believe there HAS to be a friendship because away from the love what's going to make you enjoy that person?


8:58 AM, February 05, 2007  

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