Monday, March 30, 2009

Taking Candy From A Baby


You've heard the expression "it was like taking candy from a baby" before. The baby is obviously defenseless in keeping a thief from stealing his candy. And the thief marvels over how easy it was to do so.

A lot of us plays the role of the baby in various scenarios. A senior citizen for example may unwittingly answer the door to a stranger whose intention is to do harm. A new investor not privy to some of the risks involved in stocks may fall prey to a broker whose intention is to unload some crap stock for a quick commission. A new home buyer may be convinced by his mortgage broker that a balloon loan is the best loan to take because of the low interest, not realizing that done the line the same monthly mortgage could shoot up as much as an additional $200 a month.

Yes, in life a lot of us play the baby.

(Why did those that last paragraph and sentence above sound like something Mary Alice would say during the intro of a Desperate Housewives episode. Speaking of which, Edie noooooooo!!! Go to hell Marc Cherry.)

Hemingway I've been the baby most blatantly in relation to my dealings with men. I've found myself compromising principals I've held dear all for the sake of keeping the peace. I came to that realization in the last couple weeks with Midas. Going into this newest venture with him I knew it would be nothing more than a "friends with benefits" thing. But over the next month or so, I began noticing that it was more "benefits", less "friends". Yeah I know that goes with the territory but I guess it started bothering me. I mean we would chit chat here and there but we never did much. At the start, we at least had breakfast before or after the sex, but even that went away. I never got to meet any of his friends other than the ones I had my threesomes with. Even doing the threesome was a compromise for me. Granted I enjoyed that compromise...twice...*LOL*.

The last straw for me was when he mentioned that next time I stay the night, he wasn't going to let me sleep on the bed with him. He's a big guy and basically he sleeps in a full size bed. In the past he had complained that he felt like I was pushing him off the edge. I tried to suggest that I would move closer to the edge so he'd be comfortable. He didn't go for it. I suggested maybe we should cuddle. He didn't go for that.

Basically similar to my situation with Rock, I found myself compromising more than Midas did. I couldn't really think of a time when Midas compromised for my sake.

So the last time we had sex, I ended up sleeping on the sofa. And yeah, my black ass should've just gone home, but I wanted to stay in the hopes that we'd do breakfast and hang out the next day. Turns out Midas was exhausted from his week at work and just wanted to sleep. After wasting half the morning watching cartoons and texting Eugene, I finally left. He did get up to at least see me through the door.

Since then I hadn't felt as inclined to call Midas (even for just sex). He would call every so often to check in on me (keep the sex line open...*LOL*) and such but I never really called him. I only did so to return his calls.

Finally this morning he texted me basically asking if everything was okay since I don't really call him anymore. A minute later I text back that I was sorry for not calling him but I had some things to think about over the last few days. Finally I sent him a message saying that things were more benefits than friends between us and that I needed more. His response was that it's been like that for weeks (wasn't sure if he meant the benefits over friends or my lack of calling him). He also told me to take it easy. I mistook this for meaning don't get upset but after I explained feeling low after sleeping on couch even though I said I knew that wasn't his intention, he told me I had to do what was best for me and to take it easy. In other words, have a nice life.

I guess basically he wasn't willing to try and focus on doing things as friends. On the flipside, though, he wasn't ever my boyfriend so he really had no obligation. So I hold no ill feelings towards him. But it's amazing to me how I've compromised myself time and time again to please him and when I ask for compromise (albeit indirectly....hence my other issue I guess...*LOL*), he's not willing to and chooses to end the arrangement altogether.

But I know he didn't ask me to compromise. I just did (a weakness of my personality unfortunately). I guess had I not we wouldn't have had our arrangement as long as we've had.

Even Rock reminded me that I did the right thing ending things with him last December. We had been chatting pretty good for about a month or so. Unfortunately I've been bad at blurring the lines between friendship and hooking back up. I found myself back to hugging and kissing on Rock as he made his "pitstop" back from his weekend trips to see his family in Chicago.

During a recent chat, I mentioned that my blood pressure had been taking a turn for the worst recently. He admitted to gaining 15 pounds since we broke up. For him, that put him back over 240 at least. He suggested that we both should work out together whenever we see each other again. It just so happened that he was heading to Chicago one particular weekend. I suggested maybe we could go to the gym near me on the way back to Rockford.

I honestly wanted to draw some lines (even though yeah it was pretty much too late) to avoid us just having another makeout session on the couch. We were texting the night before our meeting and basically he asked if we were still getting together that day or not. I told him it sounded good and to have a good night. He asked pointedly if we were meeting or not. I said it's fine and made the suggestion of just meeting in the gym. He asked why we had to meet at the gym. I told him why don't we try something different (as far as meeting in public place instead of at each other's homes). He said we needed to talk, to which I didn't respond further.

I wound up cancelling the meeting and telling him that I wasn't up for company and I hadn't heard from him till a few days later. He sends an inane text referencing his friend Ned. I wasn't sure what to make of it since the message was cryptic. I didn't know how to respond but he sent another message basically saying that the earlier text was meant for his friend Regine. He didn't say anything else and I didn't respond.

But basically Rock wasn't willing to compromise his plans at all. He figured he'd come to my house, we'd make out, and then probably forget all about the gym. And it was like that throughout a lot of our relationship. And as always, I found myself compromising more and more for the sake of the relationship.

I know I have a problem. I need to stop being a baby in all aspects of my life. Easier said than done of course.

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6 Comments:

Blogger Harold Gibson said...

What I have always loved about your blog is the way you honestly evaluate the events that take place in your life. You are fearlessly honest about your role in the event and that is healthy. Yet what happens to you happens to many people both straight and gay in that there are people who are "users" and as you allude to in the opening they are great at identifying those open to being used. To change is difficult because it is part of your humanity and it would be hard for you to just change. Perhaps this is a spiritual issue, that you need your higher power to send or direct you to a person who wants what you want. You may have met this person, but those "users" are so damn attractive that you did not give them the time of day. Thanks again for reminding us that life truly "sucks" sometimes yet there is hope even after heartache.

3:45 PM, March 31, 2009  
Blogger Ladynay said...

I really enjoyed reading this post and the way you were able to figure things out and connect the dots. It will only help you for the next dude (that WILL compromise)

As a side note, I also learned you must be good at the sex thing cuz everyone still wants to come by and have a piece *wink*

9:15 PM, March 31, 2009  
Blogger Darius T. Williams said...

LOL @ Ladynay.

It's always a good thing to learn from the past!

7:18 AM, April 01, 2009  
Blogger That Dude Right There said...

I totally feel ya on this. I've found myself always being the one to compromise myself and give in to keep something going. But I learned from that and just don't do it anymore until I see that the dude is worth it.

It's great to learn things about yourself!

11:01 AM, April 01, 2009  
Blogger bLaQ~n~MiLD said...

Ok, there's a lot in this post n I think Harold pretty much hit the nail on the head, however, I must say this. I wish a muh fukka WOULD tell me to go sleep on the couch!!! That had nothing to do with compromise and everything to do with his disrespect and your lack of self esteem. Yes, the moment he guided you to the couch you should've just departed for casa de Tit & Tat.

~Damnit!

9:32 AM, April 04, 2009  
Blogger Trey said...

You know, you seem to have many issues when it comes to dating and relationships. I feel these problems might be rooted in the fact that you have not fully accepted your identity. The desperateness, need to over compromise and compensate are rooted in your need to submit yourself to men.

You probably would have the most luck in the gay game as a transgender. You need to consider making the change while you have time - I think it would be a good look for you.

9:55 PM, June 08, 2009  

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