Finding My Voice

Rock and I are in trouble.

The trouble began immediately following En Vogue's concert almost two weeks back. On that note, I did invite Rock to go to the concert with me but since En Vogue wasn't his bag, he opted out. Hemingway Rock and I were enjoying some nice banter over the phone as I was heading home. He helped guide me along I-57 when I took the wrong exit.

I was giving him the lowdown on the concert and despite feeling awkward going to a concert alone, I ended up having a nice time. Things between us continued its nice flow until I arrived home. As I pushed the remote to close the garage, I noticed that the door wouldn't close and start to reopen. Each time I repressed the button, the same thing would happen. I was in an aggravated state since it was around 11:30PM and the garage issue was the last thing I wanted to deal with.

I went to make sure nothing was obstructing the sensors and didn't see anything. Rock attempted to assist me the best way he knew how. I tried one of his suggestions to no avail. He asked me if I tried his suggestion and I snapped at him that I did. Things became tense after that and Rock told me that from now on he would back away whenever I had any issue.

I thought about why I snapped at him and realized that the reason I did was because I thought his asking me if I tried it was questioning my intelligence. I know that was irrational and unfortunately I am guilty of being hypersensitive but that's what I felt at the time. I apologized for the incident but Rock stated that my outburst hurt his feelings. Based on his words, I'm uncertain whether or not he's over it.

Things went from bad to worse early last week when my association began the process of breaking up my old concrete steps to redo them. I had put in a request to my association to replace them immediately following my pet cemetery dilemma. There were plenty of holes under the steps where vermin could hide underneath and since my incident, I didn't want a repeat.

I had no idea when the actual new concrete was going to be done but it was stated that the concrete would need at least 24 hours to dry. That would mean, unless I left my back patio door open (which I didn't want to do), I would have no way to enter my house for at least one evening.

I saw an opportunity present itself. Rock and I in the past had talked about one day getting a room at a hotel to spend an evening. Unfortunately I couldn't pinpoint an exact date as to when the concrete would be done from the folks doing it since several homes were having the same work being done.

I called Rock and made the suggestion of us possibly spending the night at a hotel. Rock wanted to find out as much details as possible. He immediately ruled out Tuesday night since he had some prior commitment that evening. I didn't have any of those details and I unfortunately snapped again at him when asked for details. So he backed off. This was Monday night.

On Wednesday I came home from work to find out that they had broken up the concrete steps. I made the assumption that they would come put in the new concrete sometime Thursday. I called Rock and mentioned that I was looking into booking a hotel for Thursday night. He didn't seem all that enthusiastic about it. (Maybe he was still pissy about me snapping at him. Who knows?) I had wanted to get his input as far as location but he didn't offer any. Instead he said 'you book it and I'll react'. Realizing that I would need to book something anyway, I decided to book something near my house.

Thursday morning I sent him a text message with the address of the hotel I was staying at. He sent me a message back wondering if I was expecting him to come. I sent him one back saying that I would leave that up to him. In the back of my mind, I knew he wasn't going to. A small part of me, however, hoped that he would. He then sends me some text telling me that he's sorry for his part in all the pain that he's caused. (Dramatic much...*LOL*.)

It turned out that the concrete wasn't placed on Thursday so I was able to still enter my house. Rock called me during that time to check in and ask me what I was going to do. I told him that since I paid for the hotel already, I would go after eating dinner. He made some noise that he might swing by after his "meeting". I still didn't believe he would make an effort, though I kept that to myself. He wound up not doing so.

It turned out that Friday was when the new concrete for my steps was done. This would mean I would need to stay somewhere again. I was pissy at Rock because I felt like he wasn't even willing to meet up with me and I felt like since he had no intentions of meeting me, I realized that he didn't even offer to let me stay at his place. I do recognize that he may have been hurt that I snapped at him but ultimately Rock and I are in a relationship and if Rock was in the same boat, I would've offered my place if I knew there wasn't a chance I'd make it to the hotel.

So I didn't tell Rock that I needed a place to stay Friday. I called Sally but unfortunately she had a prior engagement that would take her away from her place for the night. So with Eugene's help (he made the reservation online for me), I checked into another hotel. That evening was pretty busy too. I recommitted myself to two more years of Cingular despite my previous issues (actually Eugene talked me into it after recommiting himself and since we talk to each other all the time, we get to talk free) and got the new Motorola V3xx razr phone. I ordered black but wanted gold so I had to go to three different Cingular stores before finding one that had the gold version of the phone available to switch with. That wound up being at Woodfield Mall in Schaumburg. It just so happened that Friday was also the launch of the new IPhone. It was a bit of a line at the Cingular (now AT&T) store but I eventually got what I wanted. I ate a quick bite at a Mexican restaurant in the mall while chatting with Eugene. He then went into my account (yeah I trust Eugene like that) and booked the hotel.

Luckily I was able to get a workout in at Bally's so I went ahead and did that. I then called Rock and for the next hour, it became a war of words. I expressed to Rock my displeasure with the hotel situation, especially his not even offering me his place to stay. It brought to mind all the times that Rock had vetoed various suggestions I may have, including those for an upcoming trip we were planning. I expressed how I felt like he wasn't spending enough time with me and how most of that time was spent holed up at my place. I equated myself with being his pitstop on his way to visiting his family and friends. He told me that my snapping at him had hurt him and contributed to him just going fuck it when it came to anything relating to the hotel. He was offended about me referring to our meetings as pitstops. He went on about how he had (at least I assume he doesn't have any now...*LOL*) fuck buddies and how that was just a fuck and go. But he thought of us as different from that. He then went on about all his commitments in life and how busy he is trying to squeeze everything in. He then went into this side rant on how he needs to cut certain things and people out of his life. I kept thinking am I one of those people....but I kept that to myself.

It was a rough hour but I felt liked we aired a lot of different stuff. He even suggested I make the plans for our trip and get his input. So ended that conversation.

We talk Saturday and I tell him some ideas of prices of tickets and hotels I found online. He states that he doesn't want to spend more than $1000 on the trip for plane, hotel, and incidentals. We were talking about going to the Big Apple so you know hotel prices are out of this world...*LOL*. He tells me that he wants to check with his American Express advisor to see if he can get a better deal. Okay. Guess my suggestions were thrown out the window again.

Early Monday night we talk and he tells me that the trip is cancelled indefinitely. I was a bit peeved because he made this decision without consulting me. His rational is that if we're fighting now then he's not sure if we'll still be together come September. One of my complaints was that we weren't spending enough time together so I failed to see how cancelling the trip would help in that regard. It then made me question if he really wanted to spend any extended time with me. The only time I recollected spending almost a day with him was our New Year's Eve gathering. I was dismayed to think that he thought we would still be arguing up to September. He ended the conversation by telling me we'll talk tomorrow. That pissed me off because he knows that I usually call him before going to bed and he took that away from me. So I didn't call him today (July 3rd) even though he wound up calling me twice later Monday night (my phone was charging so I didn't know he called).

I think the issue that it boils down to is that most of the time I'm complacent with what Rock and I do. I enjoy spending whatever time we have together doing whatever so I rarely make any ruffles to any of Rock's suggestions. There are times, though, when I want to do things differently from what Rock wants to do and that seems to be when we have conflict. I feel like I don't have a voice in the relationship and the few times I decide to get one, we have problems. I think back to our evening at Grand Lux and how he kicked and screamed over doing that (and the other things I had planned for that evening). He did the same thing for the tapas place I suggested (he initially thought they only served fish, which he hates with a passion.). It's like he's not willing to try anything outside of his norm.

Yet whenever he offers suggestions, I'm always game. He wanted me to hang out with his friends at the auto show. Done. He wanted to go to some wine tasting event (we never did go). I was game. He wanted to see a certain movie I didn't care for. It was fine with me. The problem with that approach, though, is that Rock's never truly certain whether I really am sincerely glad to do something or not.

I'm the more flexible person in the relationship whereas he's more structured and rigid. Because I'm more flexible, I don't have many issues with going along with his suggestions (within reason of course). But since he runs a tight ship, my suggestions are seen as disruptions to his routine and he balks. All the freaking time. He was especially ballistic when I dropped by his house unexpectedly giving him only a five minute warning. He told me that if I'm ever in a relationship with another guy (and what's up with talking like that), that I should never do anything like that. That, of course, made me wonder what's he hiding.

I know that we have to do things in a relationship that we may not necessarily like. For example, Rock likes "quirky" types of things like Mommie Dearest and Tom Jones. They're not my cup of tea but I go along with it because I know it makes Rock happy. Usually I wind up enjoying it as well. But he doesn't seem to like anything I suggest. And if things don't go his way, he vetoes the idea.

Another issue we have, though not as severe, is sex. I get the impression that Rock likes it a lot more than I do. He's versitale (meaning he likes to top and bottom) but I gravitate towards being a bottom. That's caused some issues in our relationship too because there were times when he wanted to be topped and unfortunately I couldn't deliver. He's reassured me those times that he's willing to be patient with me so I think that's cool. But I wonder how long he'll feel that way. My fear is if I can't sexually satisfy him then he'll try to find it somewhere else.

The weird thing is that I'm getting the sense that he wants to sabotage our relationship. He kept throwing anvils at me talking about how we might not be together by September (his lame ass reason for vetoing the trip all together). Then his talk about trying to cut people from his life. Plus he does things that he knows will piss me off or hurt me. (Then again maybe he's doing it to get back at me for hurting him. Who knows?) He's mentioned his tendency to sabotage things in the past which makes me wonder if he's somehow trying to do that with us.

I have this tendency to be naive about things too. I can't help but wonder if Rock tries to take advantage of that fact. I tend to believe what he says (or if I don't, I don't call him on it) so maybe he feels he can tell me whatever. My rationale is that if I can't trust him, then what's the point of having a relationship. When I came over that day with only the brief warning, he didn't believe me at all that I wanted to see him (and he was right to be suspicious). He even stated that he wondered if Eugene put me up to it (which Eugene actually did). It scares me, though, because now I'm wondering if I should be suspicious of him. But I can't police him. That wouldn't be right.

With everything that's gone down, I'm this close to breaking up with him. I mean can I be with someone who discounts everything I suggest. Then when he does go along, he kicks and screams the entire time. His favorite line to use on me whenever I want to do something he doesn't agree with is...."If that's what you want to do, I'll support you." He's really saying I think your idea's stupid but I'll go along with it anyway.

We'll see what happens next. Thanks for letting me blow off steam.

Happy 4th of July! I certainly have my share of fireworks lately.