The Stalker In Me

"Why do I hear the twilight zone music all of a sudden?

You crazy for swinging by his place, that's some stalker stuff right there babe!" - Ladynay (girl, I've been mentioning your name on my blog so much lately that I need hazard pay...*LOL*)

Well you know they say crazy is as crazy does (Heh...that was a recent entry, wasn't it?). Oh wait? Wasn't that supposed to be stupid is as stupid does? Well crazy and stupid are pretty close in their meanings.

Crazy - affected with madness; insane.

Well yeah, that was quite insane of me to drop by Chad's place. I mean, who knows how he might've reacted.

Stupid - slow to learn or understand; obtuse

Umm, I guess that would apply to me too when it comes to guys.

So the words aren't as close in meaning as I thought. Yet either word would apply.

Hemingway I'm over Chad. I added an 'X' in front of his name on my cellie just in case he decides to call me. He hasn't so far, thank god. I mean, two crazy people together. That's a recipe for Jerry Springer.

But I couldn't help but think of the other times in my recent life that I've come dangerously close to stalking a guy. Hell I even stalked Eugene before we officially became friends.

You'll recall that I had to repeatedly email Eugene before he finally said two words to me. Eventually I came to accept that he wasn't sexually attracted to me and realized Eugene's worth as a friend. I guess Eugene saw something in me too.

That was a good stalk, if that's possible.

There were other guys on that there umm, site, which I umm, sorta still visit, but Hemingway...I would email them and they wouldn't respond and eventually I would say something belligerant and they'd block me.

It kind of perplexes me why I can't take the hint that these dudes weren't interested in me. Before Ladynay's comments on my blog, Eugene did tell me months ago that had he known about the concept of blocking, that he might've blocked me. I told him about other dudes that I emailed incessantly (until they blocked me...*LOL*) and he asked me why I feel compelled to do what I do.

I don't really have an answer. I think part of it is that I like the challenge. Actually I think that's a real big part. Think about Matt, the nice guy I met a few months ago when Eugene was in town visiting me. Now he let it be known that he was into me. But did I reciprocate. No I didn't. I mean, I gave it the ol' college try and called him once or twice afterwards, usually due to Eugene guilt tripping me. But my heart just wasn't into it. Matt wasn't a challenge. I guess if he were a jerk I'd be more into him.

I do think about that irony a lot, though. I mean I don't know why I like jerks. Maybe it's the same thing when women obsess over a jerk. They're hoping that they're the one that can change him and make him whole. Maybe that's my issue. I'm hoping that I can make them see that I'm worthy of getting to know.

But as I'm reminded, are they worthy of my time? Nine times out of ten, if they're not able to see my worth, then the answer is no. Easier said than done, though.

I've even thoguht about parking in front of a dude's house to watch his moves and see where he goes. I've never done it (Scout's honor...*LOL*) but Eugene told me the fact that I thought about it makes me 'stalker potential'.

I do realize that what I'm doing is wrong and I have definitely improved at least in the emailing guys that don't show a smidgen of interest in me. But my little dilly dally with Chad proves that the stalker tendencies are never far away.

Truth be told, I was afraid to post this entry since I feared how everyone would react. But then I thought about it and said that this is just another facet of me that I wanted to share with you guys. It's not all peaches and cream...:-)

And I'm planning on blogging about my recent date (who is a true Southern gentleman...so far), the latest at my job, internet dating, and throw an audio blog to boot. I just wanted to see which was most popular.

I'm headed out to Boston this Friday so I may have to hustle to get one more entry in before I go.