Sunday, November 06, 2005

Happily Unhappy

Fellow blogger Marlon knows what a lover of Toni Braxton I am. I guess you might not have known that based on my expressed disappointment in her latest effort. But I may have to take back some of my comments. I've been feeling two of the three singles sent by Valentino and Mista Gaskin (u still read my blog, man?). Apparently a fourth single that wasn't on the album is available. So Marlon forwarded the single to me for my listening pleasure. The title of this single is Happily Unhappy.

The song is fucking beautiful. I could actually understand 90% of the words. Why the hell wasn't this on the album? Just look at the words to the refrain:

"So I got to let you go
I don't want to cry no more
Because loving you is killing me
But leaving you would hurt me more
So I got to let you go
(Don't want to let you go)
I don't want to cry no more
(No more no more no more no more)
Because loving you is killing me
But leaving you would hurt me more
Guess I'm still in love
And I'm happily unhappy
Unhappily in love"

The words are a bit contradictory. But think about it. Have you ever been in a situation that you know somebody's doing you wrong and you know you need to leave them, but you can't? Love has such a powerful hold sometimes. Personally, for example, my grandmother on my Mama's side stayed with my grandfather (he passed away in 85), despite the known fact that he's had countless affairs with other women outside of the marriage. My assumption is that she stayed with him to keep the family together.

The song is lovely. It has a bit of an asian infusion into the melody. Think Mah Jong. She sings effortlessly on the single and you can feel the pain in her voice. They totally should've included those singles on the CD. Personally I think Happily Unhappy is the best single to date. Maybe it'll get released as a single. Thanks Marlon...:-)

The rest of my entry is about to take a sick turn. If you don't want to read on, stop right here.

I woke up this morning to V-103's weekly talk radio program. The topic of the day was incest. It was so sad hearing the stories. One caller told about how she and her brothers were sexually abused by their father. She told the story of how she walked in on her father as he molested her brother. The bastard had the poor boy dressed in women's clothing. When the caller asked what the father was doing, he yelled at her to mind her business and leave. Saddest of all, the caller said that she and her brothers stopped talking with each other years back because doing so would bring back the painful memories.

My heart sank as I listened to the program. Another caller mentioned trying to tell her mother about the abuse but the mother not believing her. That made me angry. A parent's first priority is protecting their children. How could a parent turn their back on a child's plea? It just seems hard to believe that they wouldn't know what's going on. Not doing anything to protect your children is just as bad as what the abusive parent is doing.

What is a poor child to do? If a child can't count on their parents to protect them, who else can they turn to? It's so easy for folks to say they should go to a teacher, local authority, etc., etc. But not all children would have the courage to do so. And then there's the psychological affect on the children themselves. And it doesn't just affect that child, it possibly has an impact on other children around that child.

I turned off the radio after I heard enough and childhood memories came back.

From personal experience again, I was affected by a sexually abused child. It's a bit painful thinking about it and I've only told a few people about it. The boy in question was one of my childhood bullies growing up. I remember that he would beat me up just to do so. It didn't happen everyday but it was enough to pyschologically scar me. The icing on the cake was that he one day sexually molested me. Unfortunately I was too scared and stupid to do anything about it.

I don't remember exactly why but I wound up staying after school late one day. I was in 4th grade at the time. So anyway I was walking home from school by myself when I had my encounter with Bully. He chased me down the street and then told me to stop. I did. Then he unzipped his zipper and pulled out his dick. He told me to pull mine out. I did. Moments later Bully wanted me to give him a quick kiss in the lips. I did. He then wanted me to give him a lingering "movie kiss", complete with the hugging. I did.

It was a bit surreal but before I knew it, it was over. We continued walking and moments later, I was home. I remember being so confused. I didn't tell anybody in my family about what happened. I was so confused as I mulled over it. I was old enough to know the differences between boys and girls. I also knew what happened between Bully and I wasn't "the norm". But then I remembered oddly liking it. That left me so confused and began the tailspin of denial about my sexuality.

A month later, our teacher told us that Bully was permanently kicked out from the school. It appeared that Bully also made sexual advances to several other boys. One of his victims was brave enough to tell a teacher about it. I wish I was. But I chose to suffer in silence and never revealed that I was one of his victims too.

Thinking about it now, it was obvious that Bully came from an abusive home. Why else would a nine year old boy attack other boys? I mean, sadly kids are becoming more sexually aware at a younger and younger age with some as young as four or five claiming to have boyfriends/girlfriends. However what Bully did took things to a whole different level.

I never knew what happened to Bully. Hearing today's talk show made me wonder. Does he have a family now? If he has kids, are they being abused by him? Is their Mom silently allowing that shit to happen? Another fucked up generation!

Why do I care?

If I were to see him again, I don't know what I would do. I could start by saying thanks for screwing up my life. I could pull a "Cell Block Tango" and squish, squish, squish, squish, squish his ass to death. (I apologize for the bad humor being put in a humorless situation.)

But on a deeper level, I would have to condemn myself. Why did I let that shit happen to me? Why didn't I tell anybody? What did I do to deserve this?

How can we get children living in that situation currently to get help? What if they're scared and confused like I was? (I do know my situation wasn't a daily thing in the home like a lot of abused kids.) I wish there was some way to rescue these kids. But once we do, how do you restore their faith in humanity? Can they trust again? So many open-ended questions. If only the answers were simple.

I'm slowly coming to terms with what happened so many years back. I think I even may be able to forgive Bully for his part in what happened. Maybe I can start forgiving myself too.


Blogger DCS said...

The true healing process begins when you can forgive the bully and yourself. Do that today. It took a lot of guts to tell this story. In doing so, you may have saved someone's life. Bless you for that.

8:16 PM, November 06, 2005  
Blogger M-Dubb said...

Damn man. I guess it still upsets me to hear somebody was affected by another's negative impact like that. Unfortunately, when we fail to tell stories such as these, people have no idea as to why we are who we are.

You have no idea how much that admission will do for you.

9:37 PM, November 06, 2005  
Blogger kathi said...

What an unbelievable read. I can't imagine the courage and pain it must have taken for you to write this. I ditto dcs, healing begins with forgiveness. You have an experience, though, that may enable you to be a blessing to others. Thank you for sharing.

11:34 PM, November 06, 2005  
Blogger Melle Mel said...

This is my first visit to your blog and I must say that I appreciate and admire you for sharing that story.

I only hope that Bully has stopped the cycle and gotten some help - the sad part is that statistics are against him.

6:37 AM, November 07, 2005  
Blogger Valentino said...

I agree with MDubb...You know that hundreds of people read your blog...You may have just related to so many of them...One of them might have been that bully.

10:17 AM, November 07, 2005  
Blogger Clay said...

i love what you got out that toni song, however, i just think that album is hideous and she needs to hang it up. good post.

11:16 AM, November 07, 2005  
Blogger That Girl said...

Wow! This is deep. You have got to be a really strong individual to come out on top after having something like that happen to you. My first time was something like that....I was 13 and it was with my brothers friend who was several years older and just came into my room...I was too young to really understand what was happening....but it happened....It took me a while to really come to terms with the fact that that experience was what led me into sex at such and early age...hang in there...I put this on someone else's blog...but the 1st step is acknowledging it and from there you can begin to heal internally.

5:49 PM, November 07, 2005  
Blogger j_most said...

That was definitely a brave post, and I'm sure it helped you and other people by getting that off your chest, you must feel like a weight has been lifted.

6:02 PM, November 07, 2005  
Blogger That Dude Right There said...

When the statistics say thta 4 in 10 children are molested, I actually believe it. It happened to me to when I was six with a family friend and again when I was 7 with a family member. I have never ever told anyone what happened. I don't think that I could blog about it. You are a brave soul.

6:06 PM, November 07, 2005  
Blogger Rose said...

Once I did a book on abuse but never published it. I left the manuscript at work and it was passed around throughout our building. Lo and behold as a result of that manuscript, 10 people confided in me that they were abused by a relative, friend, or family member. Some were very confused and were still hiding behind their pain. Most parents did not believe. That is the worst to me...children are supposed to have their parents to talk to and to share information on their happiness and their lives. If they can't do that with the parents, then what. Who can they go to? That is why I started a teen rap group to give them a safe place to talk about their issues. It has been very helpful.

11:31 PM, November 08, 2005  
Blogger TheBlacks said...

I'm still here E

8:06 PM, November 09, 2005  
Blogger lady in satin said...

We gotta talk!

12:38 PM, November 10, 2005  
Blogger ~ Eclectic Soul ~ said...

Sorry on the slow reply but I've been under a rock for a few days...

KUDOS TO YOU for telling your story, I'm sure others will gain the courage to share theirs too. I hope the confession relieved any lingering guilt or shame for something that was clearly not your fault. Let the healing flow!!!

*Hugz* to you...

9:14 PM, November 10, 2005  
Blogger Marz said...

I remember reading this one and not knowing exactly what to say. I mean what do you say to someone who's been molested? I guess you just express sympathy, but I just don't know......


11:36 PM, February 19, 2006  
Blogger Bklyn Diva said...

Ok I got tears in my eyes.. this took a lot of courage.. got me thinking about some things... *hugs*

1:56 PM, April 19, 2006  
Blogger yet another black guy said...

thank goodness you have dealt with the issue enough to come out well. it's my theory that most bullies are acting out sexual aggression in the only way they know how.

9:12 AM, October 30, 2007  

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